Archives - 2010/11 Match Reports - 4th XV

4th Sep'10: Ripley Rhinos 31 - 08 Derby

Sumo – one of the worlds most disciplined sports, hundreds of years old and steeped in history & tradition. It takes years of apprenticeship to reach the level of Sekitori Rikishi (Master Wrestler) with juniors often beaten with Shinai (big sticks) to improve discipline, enlightenment, strength and Sofkok (to toughen them up). The training is strictly regimented with each trainee having to wear official clothing (Yukata & Geta) from 5am when they start their chores. After years of serving their seniors as Tsukebito (Manservant) if they are good enough, then and only then will they get a chance to become a Master and be treated like royalty, and finally escape life as Terri Tagalong (Wishful Thinker).

It is with this background of discipline, tradition, lifelong servitude, hard work, and sacrifice that on a wet Monday evening, Sky One, the great doyenne of integrity & broadcasting verisimilitude (look it up), filmed what can only be described as a the Sporting equivalent of the Emperors New Clothing – when during the new series of “A League of Their Own” – the latest comedy vehicle for the massively overrated, and let’s be honest massively overweight, James “Unfunny One Trick Pony” Corden…Imagine “A Question of Sport” without the Sports question combined with “They think it’s all over” but without the comedy – anyway I digress, the new series has a guest Sportsman, The ALL ENGLAND SUMO CHAMPION, Neil Scott of Derby…NEIL SCOTT?….NELLY? …ALL ENGLAND SUMO CHAMPION? 

Surely, such a well respected broadcaster such as SKY would have done their research and found out that there is no All England Sumo Champion. In fact just a quick look on Wikipedia shows that there hasn’t been any British or even European Champion for 18 years. Hmm… Something smells fishy and I’m not just talking about the contents of Nelly’s Mawashi (Wrestling Nappy). It seems that the last time the British competed in the Sumo competition 18 yrs ago was one Steve Pateman, who still runs a wrestling club in Derby. Sky rang him up, one amazing coincidence later and Nelly is on his way to the recording studios quicker than he orders a Kebab on speed dial. Years of Discipline??  What a load of tosh…or “Nan da kono debu” as they say in Japan.

Which brings me neatly to this weeks match report.

Due to filming conflicts, Nelly couldn’t play, he De-Selected himself – and I quote – “I don’t want to get injured, it might affect my career”.  I need say no more.

There were also conflicts with the rest of the Derby squad as Finlay was promoted to 9th Dan (Scrum half for 2’s), and various shenanigans which resulted in the 4th team going to their 1st League game of the season with a bare 15 and without a recognised Prop, Scrum & Fly Half and 2 very generous Vets who gave up their afternoon to witness a very shaky performance, whilst all other teams played their friendlies with enough Subs to fill the Tokyo Metro.

However, the game kicked off just after the Japanese Dentist (2:30pm). The forwards played well enough, but unsurprisingly went to Uncontested Scrums (more points lost) at the first injury. We advance well up the field, but could not find the finishing touch. The backs were able enough when they got the ball – the only problem was Dawes played 10, which means they didn’t get any ball. Franco, who Ref’d at Melbourne a few weeks back, was on the sidelines and volunteered  to help the beleaguered 4ths and ended up doing a great turn at Scrum half – despite Dawes best efforts to ruin his afternoon with a shocking kicking, & let’s be honest, passing display – however at least he made the effort to play despite also having the stage beckoning.

So I won’t bore you with the details, but we lost 31-8

Man of the Match was Baby Dawes who at full back, in true David & Goliath style, floored forwards in try saving tackles, keeping the score barely legal. As for the All England Sumo Champion – watch out for the New Series of “A League of their Own” on Sky One around November time… but don’t you worry… I’ll be letting you all know EXACTLY when to set your Sky+…

Match Report by Colin Dawes