24th Oct'09: Newark IV 43 -
12 The Meisters
Tony Hawks (English Comedian –
not to be confused with Tony Hawk, American Skateboarder)
appears in the plethora of Comedy Panel Quiz Shows such like
Mock the Week, Have I got news for you, Just a Minute, I’m
sorry I haven’t a clue etc. He also gets drunk with his
comedy mate, Arthur Smith. One night whilst watching a World
Cup ’98 Qualifier of England v Moldova at Wembley (England
won 4-0) Arthur Smith made a comment about the skill of
professional footballers and how they could excel at any
ball related sport due to their natural talent. Tony Hawks
took exception to this, as he had been a professionally
trained Tennis player for 20 years of his life, he knew that
talent can only get you so far, true skill can only be
achieved with thorough training. “Bollocks” replied Arthur,
“I bet you couldn’t beat the whole Moldovan Football Team at
Tennis”. “Yes I could” replied Tony. “I dare you” said
Arthur. So over the next few months Tony Hawks set about
proving that he could, it seemed more difficult than
actually simply winning 11 games of tennis against
semi-professional footballers though as to gain entry to
Moldova (ex-Soviet regime still deeply suspicious of the
West) you can only be invited by a Moldovan. How many of us
know a Moldovan?....(Well, actually I could name one, but
I’ve got contacts in Eastern Europe)... However, back in
1998, with no embassy to visit, he had to go to
extraordinary lengths via the bizarre combination of a
Moldovan Beatles Tribute band to gain access to Moldova.
Once there he was almost kidnapped, slept rough, met with
the King of the Romany Gypsies (who ironically was called
King Arthur, so gained favour via the gift of a Round
Plastic White Table) but with the help of a Doctor & his
family and a journalist eventually tracked down all 11
Moldovan Footballers and beat them at Tennis – all without
speaking barely a word of Moldovan... How many of us would
go to such lengths on such a principle of optimism? ...Which
brings me neatly to this weeks match report.
The Meisters could only be invited to Newark (ex-soviet
style state deeply suspicious of the West... i.e.
Derbyshire) for a friendly, however, due to cold war style
propaganda; the Meisters were dropping like flies. Only 13
brave individuals made the journey (Luscombe, Cunningham,
Scott, Cirose, Dyjas, Lloyd, Squires, Finlay, Jones, Porkess,
Vallance, Walton – I salute you). The whole of Derby RFC
were playing against their opposite Newark RFC team (with
the exception of the Vets who were playing SouthWell, but
then again the old Oxygen Thieves ARE an exceptional group
of deviants)..anyhoo, there was no small amount of pride at
stake.
The game kicks off and with a
Spare II’s prop and a Spare Newark Back, the Meisters play
with such vim & vigour that had scarcely been seen for
several weeks. After a period of controlled Newark play, the
Meisters were defending solidly but their discipline
persevered as after the 8th or 9th phase on the Meisters try
line, Newark score despite our best efforts. The next play
saw Newark increase the lead, their Backs wrong footing
Dawes & Squire through an excellently executed exercise.
12-0 down within minutes. Our heads did not drop. The whole
team raised their game. Charlie Walton, in his Testimonial
match as he leaves England to take up his role of Backs
Coach for the Mumbai Marauders (good luck Der-le-Der)
playing his best game at Scrum Half, spinning swift balls
out to an eager Squires. Dawes breaks through the defence,
slapping the flailing hands away and runs the Newark half
with only one man to beat, deciding to mimic his hero and
perform the “Lundy-Fullback-Wobbler”, but instead only
outfoxes himself, a mistimed Dawes clatters into the man
instead of evading him and the play breaks down. However,
support was not far away, the Meisters regain possession and
spin the ball out on the wing to James
“Hollyoaks-Stunt-Arse” Lloyd, who runs in a try under the
posts.
Momentum is lost after the
restart when Nelly is clattered into a ridiculously nearby
unshielded Scrum machine. With Nelly flat out for 5 minutes,
we could only watch the humorous additional Scrum practise
for Newark as they try to move it out of the way.
The Meisters try to get back into the game. Finlay excelled
at Fullback, calmly picking up the loose ball and returned
kicks with such ferocity that made Newark rethink their
strategy. Halle Porkess & Colin Luscombe at Flanker, due to
lack of team, were fit & fast, stripping balls in each
tackle. However, it seemed no matter how hard we tried,
Newark were fitter and faster. They took their chances, an
excellent counter attack try involved their backs each
receiving the ball twice as they advanced and scored.
Several times.
The most impressive thing about the Meisters today however,
was our heads were not going to drop. Sure, we missed
tackles, but we came back at them each time they scored.
Only poor discipline allowing the Ref to turn the ball over.
I wouldn’t say the Ref was biased, but he could have been a
consultant to Mogabe’s Edith Piaf Party. In fact, it must
have been in the air, because I looked over to the II’s game
and it seemed that their Ref was actually turning his back
when Newark threw punches, but carding our players for
talking back. By the second half, we were so far behind that
we were only playing for our pride. Sure enough, we had our
moment when a hard fought move advanced the Meisters upfield.
This time our discipline kept in-check giving the Ref no
reason to ping us, Nelly made it 6 of the best for the
season with a Bull Elephant Charge over the line that they
must have seen coming but were powerless to resist. Despite
being out played, I thought our display was as good as any
all season given the reduced team. The final play of the
match saw Nick Cirose break his leg in four places,
stretchered off carefully by Finlay & Nelly... However, the
tenderness towards their kinsman was short lived when 10
minutes later Nick walks into the Changing rooms with an ice
pack on his twisted knee. Oh, how we laughed.
We revelled in the success of the 1st & 2nd Teams who both
beat Newark soundly and had a very enjoyable pie & pint in
Newark’s homely & comfortable club house. If anyone had bet
me to go up to Newark with 13 men on a wet, autumn Saturday
and get trounced but still enjoy the day, I would have told
them to jump on the next flight to Moldova.
The result of Tony’s bet meant
that Arthur Smith sang the Moldovan National Anthem on
Balham High Street, stark bollock naked.... I will remember
to not be so cynical when Gary I’Anson tells everybody he’s
going to work on an Oil Rig.
Match Report by Colin
Dawes
17th Oct'09:
Matlock III 27 - 24 The Meisters
The steam engine was invented in
ancient Greece. The earth has at least seven moons, not one.
George Washington's teeth previously belonged to a
hippopotamus. Sushi does not mean Raw Fish. We are not
closer to the sun during summer than winter, Eskimos do not
rub noses. Lemmings do not jump off cliffs, Lenin was not
Russian, Joan of Arc was not French. There is nothing in the
bible that refers to 3 Wise men on camels visiting baby
Jesus, there is nothing in any Sherlock Homes story that
says “Elementary, my dear Watson.”, neither haggis, whisky,
porridge, clan tartans nor kilts are Scottish. And of
course, last but by no means least, contrary to popular
belief, man actually landed on the moon. Yes, some things
that you take for granted are just not quite as you think.
Which brings me neatly to this weeks match report...
On Paper, we had a good team; unluckily for us we turned up
to Matlock and found we were playing on grass. We’re not so
good on grass...
Forwards were Nelly, Simon Stiff & Mick Cunningham –
returning to Derby after several years spent Donkey
Wrestling – Nick Cirrhosis, Ant Cheshire, Wisey, Bron &
Pange, making the rest of the pack uncomfortably close to
exceeding the RFU’s Ginger allocation – luckily, Simon
Stiff’s Albino Luminosity Quotient cancelled out most of
Bron’s Gingerness, so we were allowed to play on. The backs
lineup looked possibly the best in the world, if you follow
facebook avidly, Graham Finlay starting it all off in style
at 9, Matt Clevelandy at 10, following up with Dawesy,
Lloydy, Lundy, Fordy & Freddie Matveichucky.... However,
Matveichucky, being the Lone Wolf among the pack, never one
to follow blindly, decides to pull a hamstring in the warm
up, so Lloydy drops to Full back and Hintony comes off the
bench into Outside Centre... In fact, Nelly decided to swap
Brony with Pangey, so Wisey could give Finlay better access,
but Cirrhossisy thought Cunnighamy and Cheshirey were a
better option, but Nelly asserted his authority and stated
that if Basicy was on, Brony would swap with Pangey, he then
said that his capable Prop Partner was more than a match and
could do the rest... Not for the first time, Nelly was found
admiring a young, blond Stiffy. (Yes, I’m afraid that whole
paragraph was indeed a set up for a carry-on-style punch
line to bring into question Nelly’s sexuality... the match
wasn’t that good, I need all the filler I can get).
The game kicks off, the forwards take the ball in and Finlay
excellently spins the ball out to Cleveland who expertly
pops Dawes a crash ball. Dawes wrong foots the advancing
Matlock 8 enough to break the gain line, before he’s about
to be swamped by the rest of the forwards, Lundy’s call can
be heard clearly for a pop left, which Dawes deftly supplies
and, like a Golden-Monkey-Shaped-Rocket, Lundy bursts
through and runs the Matlock half with only the Fullback to
beat. Lundy performs his ‘Fullback Wobbler’, a treble 1-2
step, which leaves the Fullback so confused he can only fall
backwards on his arse without making any contact, Lundy
scores beneath the posts unchallenged. Finlay converts. 0-7.
Matlock respond with some pressure, but can only get a
penalty back after some fine defence from the Meisters. 3-7.
The Meisters hit back with a fine display of pick & drive,
all of the team being involved. Clevelandy dealing with
whatever is thrown at him and gaining the Meisters valuable
possession, Cheshirey throwing himself into the firing line
face first, Cunninghamy like an angry bull terrier snapping
at heals and Pangey lurking like your favourite worst
nightmare. Nelly on the end of the final passage of play to
score on the line, converted 3-14 at half time.
The second half starts with disaster. Cunnighamy damages his
ankle and goes off for Basicy to hook in uncontested scrums
and Clevelandy seriously damages his shoulder but elects to
play on at Fullback rather than let the Meisters go to 14
men. Dawes moves to 10. Finlay showed what a truly graceful
player he is, through his trademark Tap & Go Penalty, out
foxing the opposition each time and gaining ground. Nick
Cirrohsissy was everywhere, at the breakdown with no Finlay
insight due to being involved at every tackle, no doubt,
Cirrohsissy was there acting as the perfect Scrum Half
stand-in. Balls were set up so perfectly for the backs that
the Meisters could have had try after try. Only the defence
of the Matlock backs was just enough to stop some of the
Meister’s finest worked out backs moves. The forwards were
at every breakdown, there was no single moment when Nelly
was ambling over slowly over to a ruck to find we had in
fact been turned over. It was during this superb passage of
play that the Meisters added no points at all. Matlock
however, had run in 3 lucky tries. 20-14. In fact, it
could’ve been more if it were not for Clevelandy’s S&M
fetish being suitable training for his penchant for
excruciating pain as the last main standing. (Without him it
would’ve been a cricket score to Matlock).
It was during one such Matlock kick through to
Cleveland-in-tears-y, that a single ray of light came in the
form of Lundy, tracking back he gave the moist-eyed-fullback
support and received a grateful one handed pass inside the
Matlock half, one blur later Lundy pops the ball down near
the sideline. 20-19. Matlock hit back again to score easily
27-19. With 4 minutes to go, Chris Hinton-y tired of lack of
ball, puts his own game into play and decides to get the
ball himself. He was everywhere, in an inspirational display
that sets up Graham to jiggle his way through for a try
following a 10m Tap & Go penalty. Setting the Meisters up
for a grand finale in the last 2 minutes behind at 27-24....
it was all in our favour, the forwards pile the pressure on
and gain a penalty well inside the Matlock half, Graham has
his chance to shine and makes the correct decision to Tap &
Go. He was so close from glory as 4 Matlock forwards bring
him down at their 22m line, possession lost. Matlock run out
the game for a deserved win.
Not to be downhearted, the entire Meisters team hugged each
other in joy at the skilful display, played in such a
sportsmen-like manner. I can honestly say I am so proud to
play with such wonderful & gifted people and I know the rest
of the team feel the same. Final Score Matlock 27- Meisters
24.
Match Report by Colin
Dawes
3rd Oct'09:
The Meisters 24 - 00
Mansfield and 10th Oct'09: The Meisters 22 - 25 Ripley
Rhinos
MK-Ultra
was a CIA sponsored project that researched the effects of
Mind Control. The roots of which was from the Post-WWII
Operation Paperclip, when the Allies kidnapped Nazi
scientists specialising in torture & brainwashing, by 1953
the Director of the CIA thought it was such a good idea he
diverted millions of dollars into further research. For 25
years the CIA continued secret experiments on army recruits
and then proceeded to put these methods into practice on
unwitting subjects, normal members of the public, for
example, in hospital for depression, or in one case studying
in a University library, the subjects were then observed,
completely unaware they were being experimented on. More
disturbingly some were isolated and dosed up on LSD
continually for 77 days in a row, left brain dead,
incontinent or unable to recognise their parents but all at
some point completely under the control of the
interrogators. Dr Frank Olsen was a CIA Military Researcher
who died after being unwittingly dosed on LSD, initially
labelled suicide, it took Olsen’s family a further 41 years
to have his body exhumed and proven that it was likely that
Olsen was knocked unconscious before jumping through a 10th
Storey window. His family believe he was about to expose the
research and murdered. Just months before a Senate enquiry
in 1977 into the research, the CIA director destroyed the
most damaging records, the enquiry only uncovered part of
the story, the research on conscripted army subjects still
remains a secret. Which bring me neatly to this weeks match
report....as part of the State Sponsored Mind Control
Research, the Meisters volunteered for an experiment to see
if you can control the minds of an entire team to play like
England c2003 one week and the following week like...
well....spastics..... It worked.
Mansfield Week 1 – Researchers in white lab coats
mysteriously appear inside changing room 4, a few Derron-Brown-like-suggestions
later and out of the room runs
Muscle-bound-energy-brimming-blood-thirsty-tactical-minded-genius-sportsmen
onto the field. Graham scores, Graham converts, tap and go
from a penalty just inside their half 7-0. Brini scores,
line out about 15yds out, set up the maul and slowly worked
it towards the line and over 12-0. Moment of the match! Ball
comes to Brini in his own half, he fakes the pass and steps
inside splitting Mansfield in two and runs the length of the
pitch draws the full back and executes the perfect pass to
Chris Lowe who runs in the try! Sublime! The mind control
was SO STRONG that A PROP RAN THE LENGTH OF THE PITCH!!! (Brini’s
defence being that he was falling over and the only way to
stay on his feet was to keep going. I think the quote from
someone in the changing room was “you were one staff away
from being Moses”) Half time 17 – 0. In the second half
Mansfield regroup, The Meisters spend about 20mins solid
defending on the try line. Mansfield have three 5m penalties
and three 5m scrums but like CIA assassins, the mind was not
wavering from the game plan and never gave an inch.
Eventually some possession up field, a penalty about 8yds
out was decided to make two stage drive. Graham taps and
pops to Nelly, ball is recycled quickly and popped to Wisey
who drives over. Arran converts. Final score 24 – 0.
Ripley
Week 2 – Researchers in the form of Gary I’Anson appear in
dirty grey lab coats and play Coldplay for a few minutes
before uttering words like ‘...it’s like this, the thing
is...’ or ‘...use your top two inches...’and ‘Do you want to
buy a reasonably priced 2nd hand Cinquecento?’.
Out walks a completely demoralised, uninterested, and let’s
face it, fat team of no hopers. Not to take the micky or
anything (I know I can get offensive), but in the spirit of
welcoming some new team mates to the Meisters way of things
and our very own brand of self deprecation, we even went as
far as changing their own name to a comedy name just to
entertain us... Simon Stiff and Halley Porkiness....(what?
That’s their REAL name??? Eh? You must be kidding me...Oh
really?? Oh I see...) ....erm... it seems I was wrong...erm...
allow me to welcome Messrs Stiff and Porkiness for a long
and fruitful season. Anyway moving on, Flower made his
monthly journey up from the West Country to join his old
team mates, as did Jesus, risen from the dead (or at least
injured). All I can say about the game is it was as dull as
the score line progressed. First Half Ripley: Penalty 0 – 3,
Derby: Try (Fordy) 5 – 3, Ripley: Try 5 – 8, Derby: Penalty
(Parsons) 8 – 8, Ripley: Drop Goal 8 – 11. Tit for tat,
nothing spectacular. There was plenty available for the very
capable backs to go at. Squires, Lispy, Lundy, Bron, Fordy &
Freddie had the capability to run rings around Ripley, if
only they received some ball. Highlight of the game was
Flower boshing off two players from the restart... Mrs
Flower was gonna get some lovin’ that night, I can tell
you.... Lundy was a victim of CIA mind control himself, as
deep inside our half, he takes the ball and on a courageous
run, takes on most of Ripley single handed, his burst for
freedom & the Land of the Try was cruelly cut short by an
assassin on a grassy knoll, who takes aim and brings him
down with 2 yds to go. So the second half progresses with a
try from Jesus & Scott to give us an incredulous 22-11 lead,
then complacency sets in, we looked as if we thought we
deserved to win. The old Mind Control turns us to jelly and
Ripley come back scoring two tries both converted and in the
last play of the game Ripley steal it 25-22.
Next
week, the Meisters will correctly predict the lottery
numbers using a combination of the final score, age & shirt
numbers of the scorers – 5, 10, 12, 27, 38, 44.
Photographs
of the Meisters v Ripley Rhinos game can be viewed within the
Photograph
Galleries
Match Report by Colin
Dawes
26th Sep'09:
Chesterfield II 27 - 29 The Meisters
Dr. d'Armond
Speers, a 35 year old Computational Linguist from Colorado,
has been speaking Klingon since 1992, he is a founder member
of the K.L.I. (Klingon Language Institute founded in 1993)
Dr. Speers is also known for having attempted to be the
first person to raise his child bilingually in Klingon &
English. For four years, Dr Speers spoke nothing to his
young boy but Klingon, whilst his wife persevered in
teaching the confused child with the more conventional
English language. The fact that Klingon lacked many words
for important items in a baby's life, such as "Nappy," or
"Dummy," was a lesser issue. At the time of Speers' attempt,
Klingon even lacked words for many objects common around the
house, such as "table". The K.L.I. have since invented an
everyday, more mundane vocabulary... I suppose it helps with
the catering at the Conventions. (I can’t wait for the next
Star Trek Film where a Klingon Commander is shown in a pinny,
hoovering his house) Speer’s experiment ultimately failed
when the child point blankly refused to use Klingon after
the age of four. What a Twat... even his toddler thought so.
All this talk
of children, dummies & twats brings me neatly to this weeks
match report. The Meisters travelled up to Chesterfield on a
gloriously hot late summer’s day. Following last week’s
scathing match report... (Chaps, you should know me by now,
you know I don’t mean it, but like a graduate from the
Michael Armstrong School of Diplomacy, I won’t let a simple
thing like fact get in the way of a good story) .... we were
short of some of our regular star players, the forwards had
some new arrivals in the form of mates of mates, as only 11
regular Meisters were available. Nelly & Luscombe were up
front with Bloke 1 (sorry, I’m useless with names – it’s the
age...). Bloke 2 & Bloke 3 in 2nd Row. Pange,
Wisey and Aaron making up the pack. The inimitable Jordan
Hollis returned to his spiritual home after a severe bout of
aids had left the 2nd/3rd Team Prop
with a comedy moustache and 3 stone lighter. Energetically
playing at Scrum Half for the first time as if it were
Freddie Mercury’s last stage appearance... there is only one
Jordan Hollis... thank God. With Scott Squires at 10 & Dawes
at 12, the backs were bolstered by the Holy Triumvirate –
Bryn-Bran-Bron (OK so we’ve taken a liberty and renamed
Basic as Bryn, but you get the idea) the dream team was
completed with Freddie returning from his American Style
Military Boot Camp holiday. Blokes 4 & 5 were on the bench.
All we knew about Chesterfield was that their Carpentry
skills were shocking, you ought to see their church.
The game
kicks off and in the 1st minute the Meisters
score an awesome try. From an early ruck, the ball comes
neatly from Scott to Dawes, who then delivers a perfect boot
from the Meisters 22m back inside the Chesterfield 22m,
whose winger then exposes himself as a dodgy Spire and
throws the ball away under pressure from the advancing Bron,
who nails the pathetic excuse for a winger like a Ginger
Exocet missile, Dawes secures and pops to Bran, who runs
rings around the confused defence for a try under the posts.
Aaron converts, Meisters up – 0-7. To their credit,
Chesterfield re-group and with some able forwards play,
trundle up the field. Their 10 & 12 were particularly
effective, boshing over the line after a weak one on one
encounter from Dawes. 7-7. The Meisters get straight back
into the game, with yet again some truly genius kicking from
Dawes putting the inexperienced Chez Vegas Backs under
pressure. This time, the Meisters forwards are inspirational
by providing a controlled, disciplined attack that stretches
the opposition. Nelly in particular was in fine form, he
didn’t even drop a ball all game. On the back foot,
Chesterfield are penalised and Jordan nips through with
delicate grace and aptitude of a Ballet Dancer but the style
& looks of a 70’s Porn Star. 7 – 12. Jordan has the chance
to stretch the Meisters lead soon after with a magnificent
break through the middle of the pitch leaving him just the
last man to beat. However, the toll of playing for either
II’s or the Dev’s showed as he unselfishly passed, when the
correct thing to do was try to score himself... that’ll
learn ya. Chez escape with a line out and a boot down field.
Things were
looking good when before half time, Scott switches sides
from a scrum inside the Meisters half and passes to Bran,
who pegs his ears back, bolts down the left wing for a 50m
run to glory... it’s at this point either the reality of his
past Spackerpoking brought him to his knees or a local
Sniper took aim; because out of nowhere with 10m to go and
one man to beat he just inexplicably slid to the floor and
possession was lost. (Bran - we never got a satisfactory
explanation for that one, I expect it given to Nelly on
Saturday in no less than 150 words).
After half
time oranges, the Meisters put their foot down, there is
some awesome link up play from the Forwards. Jordan & Scott
run things (despite Jordan only being able to pass from one
hand and disliking picking balls out of moving scrums).
There are a couple of comedy moments as the XXL Chez Props
are nailed and go off injured, and one awesome moment when
at a ruck the Chez No 8 comes through to grab Jordan as he
stoops to pick the ball up, one rush of blood later, Jordan
remembers all those squats in the Gym when he used to be
chunky and with the No 8 flapping over his shoulder, stands
up and walks off with him, passes the ball out the back of
his hand to Wisey and unceremoniously dumps the
disgruntled player on the floor as Wisey heads off into
their territory. During this period both Jordan & Nelly
score tries, Jordan’s being at the end of a rolling maul
from the halfway line. Chez can only add a penalty after
some excellent defending keep them out 10-24.
Dr D’Armond
Speers has nothing in comparison to what happens next. In a
spell of 10 minutes, the Meisters fall apart and let 2 tries
in – the worst of which was following the restart; Chez kick
off, the ball in mid air - Bloke 1 and Wisey look at each
other like someone’s just asked for a volunteer to be the
next to graduate from Suicide Bomber School – the ball
bounces and Chez run through claiming their 100 virgins &
the worlds easiest try... Words to describe Dawes face;
apoplectic, seething, irate, incensed, infuriated... and
bright red. A tirade of F’s & C’s flow from his
rage-limiting-vocabulary and for good measure (as if the
happy families enjoying the sun on the sidelines aren’t
already packing up and writing a stiff letter to Mary
Whitehouse) he then actually physically attacks the goal
post (I’m not proud of that bit)... make a sentence out of
the following words: Out Dummy Spat His – 22-24.
The remaining
7 minutes are tense. Luscombe secures after the restart with
his flowing locks wafting behind him like Batman’s Cape,
Pange makes his mark by giving the Chez no 7 a quick grope
(well he’s got to get his kicks somewhere), Jordan makes a
quick burst into the Chez half, Scott spins it out to Dawes
who, under pressure, actually passes for once, Bloke 5 makes
a nice break through to the 22m but Chez are covering, the
pass over to Winger Bryn (Basic) was awesome but he still
has it all to do... but bless his little legs, he fends off
the remaining tackle, a little skip & a jump (which looked
to me like a premature celebration) but just makes it for a
try in the corner. Chez are outraged as the ref deems it in,
it was a hard fought try from the whole team. All we had to
do was play out 1 minute 45 seconds as announced by the Ref
at the restart – 22-29.
I should stop
there... but OH NO. We can’t even keep hold of the ball for
that long. The start was pretty good, controlled play, a
couple of rucks, penalty won for offside, kick to touch...
LINE OUT LOST, NO TACKLES, TRY RAN IN FROM HALFWAY. With
time now up, all they had to do was convert to draw... I’d
like to say they deserved a draw... but they didn’t as we
handed them the opportunity. I’d like to say that our sheer
presence and physicality was enough to put him off his
kick.... but it wasn’t...only the pervading stench wafting
gently over towards the kicker from Pange’s underwear made
the difference. It was that close. 27-29
Happy as
Larry and, in hindsight, after a very enjoyable game, we
pranced off home and even managed to rub salt in the wounds
by winning the Chesterfield Rugby Club Raffle – a bottle of
Cockburn’s Port – for Cheeky Vimto’s all round back at HQ.
‘Hab SoSli’Quch!’ as they say in Klingon.
Match Report by Colin
Dawes
19th Sep'09: Ashbourne
III 20 - 19 The Meisters
Some recommended reading for the
recipients of the vitriol to be dished out in this weeks
match report, as found on Amazon under ‘Self Help’…. ‘The
Little book of Confidence’ by Susan Jeffers, ‘I can change
your life in 7 days’ by Paul McKenna, ‘Five Steps to
Emotional Healing’ by Gloria Arenson, ‘The last self help
book you’ll ever need’ by Paul Pearsall (ironically at
number 7), ‘How to stop worrying and start living’ by Dale
Carnegie, ‘Over coming Low self esteem’ by Melanie Fennell,
‘Forgiveness: How to make peace with your past and start
living’ by Simon & Somin…. Or of course you could always try
the well known self help pamphlet, ‘Get Over Yourself, Get a
life, We don’t want to hear about it, Don’t be annoying, you
annoying little tosser’ by Colin Dawes.
There’s something inane
and condescending about these books that prescribe a
‘positive empowerment action plan’ for people who think
they’re ‘Just Not Good Enough’, because ‘buying into someone
else’s image of perfection creates low self esteem’. What
Bollocks. The truth is you’re NOT good enough. You didn’t
measure up, there are 60 Million people in the UK alone,
what makes you so special? Is it part of our national
psyche? If you do a Google search for the exact phrase “We
were not good enough”, it brings back 5,170,000 references,
mostly to do with Sport – Cricket, Tennis, Football,
Athletics – 5 Million! If you do the same for “We were
Excellent” you only get 15,800…I shouldn’t be surprised;
after all we are a nation of whingeing, whining wet wimps
with no backbone.
Which brings me neatly to this weeks match report. The
Meisters travelled up the road to Ashbourne for our second
league game of the season. The last time we played Ashbourne
III’s at the end of the season, we lost by a single point,
at which Reuben the Angry Pirate broke his arm, scuppering
his camping trip – but, as Simon & Somin says, we should not
live in the past, we need to make peace and move on, there
is absolutely no way we were about to repeat ourselves…
The Dev’s game was called off, so we had the pleasure of the
company of Messrs Andrew Ackford, Robert Paylor and Callum
Martin. Fergal Collins turned up but decided not to play for
some spurious reason; we all know it’s because he has now
fully been enrolled as a ‘Whingeing Brit’ and can no longer
call himself Irish, in fact they’re so suspicious he now
gets a full cavity search every time he goes back to Cork
(which happens with alarming frequency). The game kicked off
in the glorious sunshine and the pack manhandled Ashbourne
with ease, the scrum was effective, we were quick and
decisive at the breakdown – but poor handling and lack of
vision from the backs, gave Ashbourne the chance to activate
their only game plan… kick it. Advantage lost and soon a
penalty under the sticks for some offence left the Meisters
3 – 0 down. This seemed to kick start a collective mental
breakdown, as for a period of 20 minutes we could not get
out of our half. Only, the pure gall of Monkey Man Lundy (a
man who uses self help books as toilet paper) brimming with
self confidence, running back and picks up a ball from yet
another Ashbourne kick, inside our touch area, dodges the
1st attacker, then with the 2nd & 3rd clinging to his body,
forces him, the ball and his assailants forward to our 5m at
which point Ashbourne are penalised and Derby escape with a
kick to touch. Bran also proved that he is the only one to
get up after his tackles, by flooring an Ashbourne centre,
the ball comes loose and a Bran replica floors the next
Ashbourne player…in a lightening move he had nailed two
players at once. It wasn’t all that impressive though,
Finlay had what seemed like an age to kick to touch from
inside 22m but decided to jink instead and was duly swamped,
losing possession. Bran & Fordy also had a wobbly moment of
blind panic inside our touch before it was thrown dead.
Luckily, we survived such encounters with no more points
added long enough to add some possession of our own. Dawes
kicks through for a chase, Paylor pounces and on his second
incisive run almost makes the Ashbourne line. A couple of
moves later, Nelly picks up and forces his way to the line.
Aaron converts 3 – 7 to Derby. Tiny Charlie, in his last
match for the Meisters before his 9 months away working in
New Zealand (we expect nothing less than a returning
‘Massive Charlie’ rippling with muscles, tattooed tongue &
Maori Wives, alright?), anyway I digress, tiny charlie had
an awesome game, making a nuisance of himself at the
Ashbourne scrum, spinning quick ball out at every breakdown
and supplied a sublime pass to Paylor for Derby’s 2nd try,
whilst getting floored in the process of committing
Ashbourne’s last man. Aaron converted and Derby were 3-14 up
at half time. Soon after, tc again creates the magic and
puts Fordy through, Derby up 3-19 and coasting…
It was at this point Derby hit the self destruct button,
like a bored child sat on a flight to New York right next to
a big red button with a sign above it saying “DANGER: WINGS
FALL OFF: If you press this button, the wings will fall off…
under no circumstances should you press this lovely, big,
red, shiny button.”
1st up – Finlay, he made no effort what-so-ever to stop the
3 Ashbourne backs racing at him, after scooping up a loose
pass from somebody in the Derby team…can’t remember who…
plays 12, I think… not sure…it wasn’t that bad a pass
anyway, it only went behind Bron and into the waiting
Ashbourne hands, Finlay should’ve stopped them, though… 8 –
19.
2nd Up – Nelly & Callum
decide to take a break from slowly following the ball around
and stand on the wing for a bit. The forwards with a
combined weight of 52 stone against Ashbourne’s quickest
winger… hmm… you decide. 15-19
3rd Up – Fordy, although I have to say from the sidelines it
looked like the whole team were responsible for some pretty
shoddy work as Ashbourne play some really scrapping ball, we
end up going backwards, Fordy or Frodo, as he shall now be
named, had a simple retreat back to the touch after a kick
through. The little Hobbit Sniper missed timed his lunge
like Gary I’Anson trying to head butt some concrete yet
again, the ball bobbles up for Ashbourne to touch down a try
handed over on a silver platter. 20-19.
4th up – Anyone in the team that thinks somehow being hurt
in a tackle will give you a penalty, 4 times Derby stop play
WHILST IN POSSESSION AND ATTACKING, because there was a
Derby player down behind play. In Finlay’s case, we had a
penalty well within Aaron’s kicking distance, but due to
stopping for a slap in the face, the Ref unbelievably
decides on an Ashbourne scrum to restart, when we could’ve
snatched it.
5th Up – Nick Cirrhosis and Nelly
“I’ve-got-4-tries-you-know” Scott. Derby eventually earn a
chance of some points after hard work getting up the
Ashbourne end, a penalty on the 5m line is decided, amongst
the outstanding intellectual power of the forwards, to tap
and go instead of use the boot. Up steps Nick instead of
scrum half t.c., for one reason only… “Well, it worked
against Ranby last week.” …Awesome, Chaps, just Awesome…..
The “Tap & Go” more resembles “Throw & Give”, Nelly runs the
wrong way, Nick panics and throws the ball into the hands of
Ashbourne’s incredulous looking forwards. A round of
applause, chaps, I can honestly, without the shadow of
doubt, that it was the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen on
a Rugby field… and I’ve seen Gary I’Anson play!!
It doesn’t stop there though… oh no… The Maths Genius that
is Fergal, continuously claims we’re 17-10 up and to hold on
to the ball…so when Ashbourne mysteriously kick to touch
after last play is announced, there are some very sheepish
looks when we eventually find out that Ashbourne have won by
one point… who’d a thought it, eh? Man of the match goes to
Reuben who turned up to watch.
Match Report by Colin
Dawes
12th Sep'09 The
Meisters 27 – 17 HMP Ranby
We were looking forward to our trip up to North Notts, HMP
Ranby hadn’t lost a game all season last year and won their
league. However, the rumour was they had lost a few of their
best players...lost?? in a prison?? Surely not...turned out
they were released.
The game plan was simple, they were as fit & feisty as a
cage full of prisoners let out for the afternoon (good
simile). Use our heads, play to their weaknesses, if in
doubt kick. The match started steady enough with the game
plan going well, their scrum wasn’t very effective. Braddow
took his opportunity at 8 to burst from the back of the
scrum at halfway. One Blindside Bosh later, straight over
their 9, 14 and 15 and in for a trademark Braddow try.
The Meisters started to get organised and from the solid
platform, the Forwards learned from last week’s superlative
Backs display and put into play a small gameplan of their
own; ‘Keep the Ball’. Wisey was on the receiving end of a
move started by Pange, leaping like a
sex-starved-disease-ridden-salmon, he obviously envisaged
the lineout ball as a female salmon with a cure for aids in
her fishy bits. Expertly stolen when he had no right to the
ball, Pange flipped it back to tc, (tiny charlie with a
small t & small c), a crash from Braddow almost reached the
line, Nelly cleared out, Scott has a go, but the Ranby
defence again holds up, cleared out by Dawes, charlie spins
it out across to the backs, who believe it or not, see the
overlap and pass down the line to a looping Wisey with no
opposition. Wisey & Nelly make it a half to remember by two
more tries crashed over the line from similar Braddow
inspired moves before the end of the half. The only down
side was a try from a Ranby quick tap penalty, poor
organisation and marking allowed them to score an easy try
and off we walked down to the fence for the usual baiting
from the crowd in the exercise yard, imagine the ‘new fish’
scene from The Shawshank Redemption. Captain Nelly wasn’t to
be put off though, he pointed out that we’ll be in the pub
later. There were also a couple of dodgy kicks from Graham
but other than that it was a decent half. The second half
started poorly though as The Meisters gave possession away
several times and yet another quick tap penalty allowed
Ranby to run the length of the pitch for a try. Booya went
off injured leaving the pack down to 7 but holding their
own, however as it became evident that Braddow had a turned
ankle, the Meisters were down to 13 men. So when Ranby score
again from some dodgy Meisters decision making, their
spirits were raised as with 20 minutes to go, they were only
1 converted try away from an unlikely victory. They had more
subs than Chav’s shake you can at a full prison, all of
which seemed to be enjoying the sun and had waxed & oiled
their chests especially for the occasion that morning in the
prison salon. Fortunately however, these new recruits didn’t
seem to know the rules, there were a few fist flying after
Bran gave them a lesson in tackling that they won’t forget
in a hurry, but it was only hurt pride as their Captain ably
quelled any tension. Still their fresh legs rolled on, an
uncomfortable 20 minutes was on the cards, particularly as
Ranby stole the ball and ran the length of the pitch, but
failed to score as in their excitement, Ranby put down over
the dead ball line.
A quick reorganisation brings Scott into 10, Finlay to 15
and Lundy to 13. Some stout & resolute work from the 22m
restart, gave the Meister’s sight of Ranby’s 22m for the
first time that half. What happened next, in my mind, was
one of the Meister’s finest moments to date, and why I enjoy
playing for this inimitable team so much. Despite being 2
men down against prisoners who have been caged up ALL WEEK,
Pange yet again steals the ball, all 6 forwards set up the
perfect ball to tc (tiny charlie) who flips it over to
Scott, supplying a perfect pop to a Dawes crash ball with
Lundy following in & clearing out on the 5m for tc to pick
up, reverse play and pop to a charging Nelly to finish the
move with 3 Ranby players trapped underneath 22 stone of try
scoring genius. With a 10 point lead, the remaining 10
minutes seemed easier to subdue, Ranby’s collective head had
dropped and The Meisters were two wins in two.
Match Report by Colin
Dawes
5th Sep'09: The
Meisters 41 – 00 Burton Vets
Hello Again. It’s been a long, hot, wet paradoxical summer
of Stag Do’s & Weddings, Lithuanian Lunches & Polish
Punches, Camping it up on stage & Dumbing down on TV, It
Kicked off in Krakow & Partied in Parwich. England lost KP &
Freddie but won the ashes, The Lions lost the series but won
respect, President Obama is bringing peace but not health to
the world, you can see green shoots sprouting just next to
the country’s dole queues, judging by the media reaction to
the 5-1 win over Croatia, England are odds-on to lose in the
semi-finals of the next World Cup... and to top it all off,
Gary I’Anson got a job as a Used Car Salesman... I’m going
to deny Tony Blair’s 1996 election theme tune and say that
‘Things cannot get any better’.
Which brings me neatly to The Meisters, after lamenting at
the end of last season, we all decided that things could not
get any better and signed up for another year.
So the first match for the Regenersized Meisters under the
stewardship of newly appointed Captain Nelly was against
Burton Vets (by the way there is a very moving video of
passing the Captaincy Flame from the old guard to the young
blood available upon request). Up front in the boiler room
was Brini, Keith Mason-Moore & Nelly, a front row to surely
rival that of ...any Pennant League Division 4-6 team (not
sure where that simile is going but I have had a few months
off, so give me time to get back in my stride). The pack had
the return of Ex-Captain Timmy Flower for one week only,
Wisey for many weeks hopefully, Aaron, Pange & Booya on the
back row making it almost a Fortnight. The backs had Tiny
Charlie at 9 (who, by the way, has in the last 6 months
grown to 6ft and size 11 boots – but that’s what eating your
greens does for you!) Graham Finlay at 10, The Dream Team
consisted of Sniper Fordy, Kelloggs ‘Bron and Bran’, New
Recruit but Old Legs Lundy & Chris McCully at 15. On the
bench were Old boy Griff, New boy Tom & “Pow! R.I.T.K.”
Fergal.
What a dream team it proved to be, straight from the off,
the Backs were running rings around the aged Burton legs,
two quick tries for Chris & Lundy seemed to seal the fate
of, what was to become a one-sided affair. The Meisters pack
proved their worth by (and I quote) “dicking them in the
scrum”... hmm, and I thought that sort of thing was left
behind at Public School. Monkey Man Lundy taking his new
found fatherhood in his stride, deciding to dust off the
cobwebs for the Meisters. There wasn’t much dusting
required, as a quick one/two side step and he was bursting
through the tiring defence for another try. Fordy, also
taking advantage of the solid forwards play, came in on the
action and by half time The Meisters were four solid backs
inspired tries up. Second half was much the same, Chris
McCully capping off a fine display with another try. Fergal
came on in the late stages, but to be honest, the 3rd Team
manager shouldn’t have bothered, there was an awful lot of
wheezing coming from the set play, when he caught up with
the action it was only because the Ref had stopped play to
avoid any injury to the Unfit Irishman who actually appeared
stopping for a casual chat. Some people shouldn’t be allowed
out, but in the absence of Gary I’Anson, the Meisters were
in need of a new prank monkey. The game ended with a clean
sheet for the new Captain, a new look team for 2009 and a
promise of a weekly match report from Dawes whether he was
present or not.
Match Report by Colin
Dawes
