Both teams were depleted for this NCA League match, but an entertaining and hard fought game took place, even if it was not always of the highest quality. With a strong wind diagonally at their backs the Beests soon established good territory with Dave Bussell always running hard, but Derby’s scrum was under great pressure and they were unable to get sufficient quality ball to work with. After a cross kick from Dan Hutchinson was nearly touched down by Ryan Milton Derby finally scored through Bussell after a good driving maul, converted by Hutchinson. Lions pushed upfield but a stray pass was gathered by Cornfield who ran towards the open spaces and fed Greenhalgh who moved it on to Martin Neuteboom, who showed good pace to outstrip the defence with a 50 metre run for a try converted by Hutchinson.

Lions responded with some hard running and driving of their own which lead to a try, but Derby again attacked and Ross Cawley-Nash picked up another loose Lions pass, weaved through the gap and managed half a side-step before scoring a nice try. Lions scored another try very similar to their first and at half time the score was 10 – 19.

Playing against the elements Derby knew the 2nd half would be tough, but opened play up well rather than simply kicking to touch and took the game to Lions with Cornfield and Milton both having good runs. The ref did not win many fans from the Lions supporters as he marched them back for disputing a decision and skipper Bussell sensibly took the 3 easy points. With fresh legs to bring on whilst Derby started to struggle with injuries, Lions started to look strong and scored another try out wide, again unconverted.

Whilst Derby had struggled in the scrum they did pretty well in the line out and driving mauls, and from one line out and maul debutant Colt Sam Goosey broke off from a couple of yards and drove over the line for a try well deserved for his overall performance. Lions were not giving up though and scored a good try from their impressive prop and skipper. Only 9 points in it and a few minutes to go, Derby just needed to hang on. Lions ran every ball they got, Derby tackled well, with Ryan Milton making some particularly good hits but Lions scored again. Fortunately their kicker was not on form and missed again and the whole Derby side were mighty relieved to hear the final whistle rather than needing to kick off again.

The usual late injuries and a mysterious bug laid 4 or 5 players low, so it was a strange looking Beests team facing Dudley. Unlike some teams in this league, Derby honour their fixtures come what may and the squad this week included debuts for the season for new French arrival Jean Baptiste at hooker, evergreen veteran Norm Collier at 10 and on the bench 17 year old Greg Sewell, as well as a number of others making only their 3rd or 4th appearance. With DK making the most of their dry pitches, taking rearranged games from elsewhere, all the changing rooms were full leaving the Beests 18 changing in a room about 6’ by 4’. A good job then that two cars (inevitably) got lost on the way to allow staggered changing!

So after a quick warm up to get to know each other Derby started strongly and forced a scrum near the DK line. This was messed up somehow at the back but as DK gathered we managed to somehow recover the ball and Tom Swainston but in a precise box kick for Ryan Milton to chase and score out wide – conversion missed by Rich Maddocks. DK responded with a period of sustained pressure and Derby started to infringe. After a warning of continual infringement from the referee, Rob Wilson appeared to handle in a ruck, was sin-binned and a penalty try was awarded. Score 7 – 5. The game was evenly balanced with DK’s forwards driving strongly and Rich Maddocks kicking cleverly for territory. Dave Bussell worked tirelessly, but too often lacked close support. Derby scored again with Adam Glover finding a gap in the defence to go over – conversion missed by Rich Maddocks. Shortly afterwards another clever kick from Swainston was gathered this time by Craig Hughes to score – conversion missed by Ryan Milton (have you never seen him kick before whoever agreed to let him take it!!!???).

This scoreline probably slightly flattered Derby and DK continued to probe upfield, went through a few phases and as the ball was moved wide to the left Derby were unnecessarily drawn in to allow an easy overlap and score – conversion missed, half time score 12 – 15.

In the second half DK definitely had the better of the territory and Derby’s inability to secure a good percentage of their line-outs meant they found it difficult to escape their own half. Not for the first time DK’s centre cut back and ran through Derby’s defence, this time making it to the try line. Another good DK attack was spoiled by an excellent tackle from Ryan. As the minutes ticked away Derby realised they needed to keep the ball in hand and moving the ball wider started to look dangerous. Only a few wrong options stopped them scoring. A penalty was awarded in front of the posts but nearly 40 metres out – no kicker, had to try to run it. We made ground into the 22, Norm was sat back “in the pocket” , Swainy prepared to pass… you could almost hear the 2003 World Cup theme tune playing as the ball came back…. Norm steadied himself, swung his boot…. But the ball scudded along 6 foot high!!! The Jonny moment was not to be!

In truth a game that Derby could have won, but DK probably just about deserved to win.

On a bright sunny day (or was it raining?), Captain Maddog led the Mighty Herd onto the plains of the Serengeti, for their first outing for 6 weeks, to take on top of the league Stourbridge. It was nice to finally get a game after so many call-offs.

One side or the other kicked off and a hard fought, tense, first half got under way. It soon became apparent why Stourbridge were top of the table, and they soon had the Beests under the cosh. Only great defence, especially from Moltonlava and Tammy van der Morgan, kept them out, but finally pressure told and Stour' crossed the whitewash, to lead 5:0.

The Beests had a chance to get on the board when Stour' transgressed, but &^%$ (The player previously known as Dan Daveson), missed the kick. However the Beests now applied the pressure, and a nice move ended with the Flying Gandolfo blasting over for a fine try.

Half-time arrived. Beests 5 - 5 Stourbridge.

The Beests were entertained during the interval by the Berlin Philharmonic (conducted by Hans Von Hans). The rendering of "The Four Seasons" was particularly apt given the conditions.

Some clever tactical changes during the interval with Door Mat, Janet van der Morgan, No frills and Mr Guinness being replaced by Kentos Kentos Ghali, Ben van der Crumb, Adam Ant and Eddy The Whelk, soon produced results: Stour' knocking over a penalty to lead 5 - 8.

The Beests were fighting hard and a lovely move on the left ended with Pawpaw diving acrobatically into the corner flag. Not to be deterred more pressure from the Beests lead to Pawpaw doing it right. &^%$ added the conversion of St Paul and the Beests were 12 - 8 up with not long left on the clock.

Line out to the Beests on the Stour' 10 metre line. 4 minutes on the clock. In goes the throw. Won by the BEEESTS. Lineout turns to maul turns to ruck. Pick and drive, pick and drive. Stour' can't afford to give away a penalty. Beests can't afford to lose possession. Pick and drive, pick and drive. Beests gain a yard, Stour knock them back a yard. Beests still in possession. Pick and drive. Another yard lost, another gained. Headlights looks at the ref. He nods. Headlights calls for the ball and slots it into touch.

REF WHISTLES FOR FULL TIME.

Heroes: Maddog 1, Moltonlava, Captain Maddog, Tammy van der Morgan, The Flying Gandolpho, *&^%, Swain Stone, Janet van der Morgan, Door Mat, Stelios, No Frills, El Dan Atheros, Mr Guinness, Pawpaw, Kebab Lover Glover, Ben van der crumb, Kentos Kentos Ghali, Eddy The Whelk, Adam Ant, Headlights and Debenhams.

Bedford. What can you say about Bedford? Well, it has a population of 79,150. It had a Van named after it. Famous residents include Ronnie Barker, Eddie The Eagle & Paula Radcliffe. It also has two Rugby Clubs, Bedford Blues (currently in National One) and Bedford Athletic (our opposition). Now there’s plenty you already know about Derby (population 233,700), but a quick look at Wikipedia states that “Derby has recently been named "Ghost capital of Britain" due to over 1,000 paranormal sightings recorded in recent years”….However, I think it’s slightly unfair to call Gar “paranormal”. Paralytic, yes. Paraplegic often, but never “Para-Normal” (although his ‘Zombie Dance’ is the toast of Dusselldorf). Derby’s list of famous residents also includes a composer called “Ronald Binge”.

When I was at Bluebell Hill Junior School (1976 - 1983) every time the school football team played, one person was chosen to give the report to assembly the next day. For the entire 7 years I was there, every report ended with the immortal words… “…but apart from that we all played well.” We could’ve won 87 – 0 and it’d still end the same. Despite years passing and different pupils being subjected to standing in front of the whole school – it was The Law of the School footy report – and you wonder why I put so much effort into these things, must be some repressed childhood memory.

Ha. That reminds me, there was an interesting article in the Sunday papers about why Rugby players are such good role models for children. In comparison to the loutish Footballers who are unruly, ill bred, illiterate, overrated & overpaid – Rugby players are more successful because of their work ethic, moral codes & education. It goes on to say that out of the 30 England squad members at the World Cup 25 of them were educated at Private/Independent schools and could’ve been doctors/lawyers/gynaecologists etc. It continues, “if you want your children to grow up more rounded, responsible & successful individuals but can’t afford a private education, take them away from the football pitch and send them to your local Rugby Club”…. I’ve never laughed so hard.

Derby Rugby Club has faced more injuries than Claims Direct in recent weeks, 15 players from the I’s & II’s crocked. Desperate times, desperate measures. None more desperate than enlisting no fewer than EIGHT fourth team regulars to make up the numbers for the Beests away league fixture to Bedford Athletic. (Question – Should the Dev’s have been made to play the cancelled 4^th fixture, instead of playing their own?)

So The Brain, Dawes, Nelly, Finlay, Lloyd, Harvie, Gandolfo & Gar (YES – GAR) joined the Fun Bus with the remaining 9 healthy Beests down the M1 to Bedford.

The game kicked off with the hybrid Beestie-Meisters advancing down the field and getting a penalty within kicking distance in the first 3 minutes after some good forwards play. The kick narrowly missed though and this warning was all Bedford needed. The next 20 minutes saw the MeisterBeests camped within their own 22m, which led to Bedford’s first try after a 5m scrum and a disappointingly soft break on the blindside. The conversion went in with the aid of the crossbar. The forwards got back into the game, led by some crunching tackles from Fitch the Elder. Each time the Meests got up the field though the Referee pinged us back for some offence. My guess, it was largely through inexperience. With only ourselves to blame Bedford were back on the offensive, their backs breaks stopped only by some expert spoiling from Dawes and some awesome last ditch tackling from Lloyd & Gar. Cogan & Finlay’s kicking was keeping Bedford pegged back too, things might be turning our way. But Bedford would not be stopped, they were damned difficult to bring down and some slick recycling led to their second try. With the only foray into Bedford’s half being in the first 3 minutes, the Beisters looked bereft when Bedford struck again before halftime.

Some stern talking at the break and with a stiff wind blowing against them, the Beesters second half was a terrific demonstration of fighting spirit. The forwards were awesome. Each scrum was a pushover, front row of Morgan, Harvie & Dodds making light work of Bedford’s weakening effort. Pierrick, Bluetooth & Tristan Poyser threw themselves into every tackle. Their number 8 was a big bloke on the run, but a combination of Poyser around his ankles and Pierrick around his throat brought him crashing down. Glover had a break running through the defensive line past the 22m, the forwards piled in for support. There was an awesome moment when the forwards rolled 20-30m as if Bedford didn’t exist. Louis Gandolfo started his own special brand of jinky runs. Bussell also took the bull by the horns with 3 or 4 blindside dashes. Bedford were not getting out of their half. Each time though, centimetres from the Bedford whitewash, we were pinged for some offence.

It started to grate a little. We guessed the half wasn’t going our way when on the sixth time they brought down our forwards, the referee still didn’t penalise them. But the only time Bedford made it out of their half, he did it to us. The resulting penalty was a well worked backs move which outfoxed Dawes & Bussell for a try. The closing minutes summed up the half, great moves from the forwards got the BeisterMeests in touching distance of a try, but Bussell was judged accidentally offside for touching the player on the floor in front (news to me).

The second half was all Derby, but we just couldn’t capitalise. The referee didn’t help. Favourite comment on the fun bus back home was Joe admitting that the scrums were so good he got ‘aroused’. We all enjoyed a sing song and a nice Ronald on the way back (Binge, not MacDonald – although Glover stopped off for a pie). 

Final Score: 27 – 3… but apart from that we all played well. ….. Doh!

Matlock/Hinkley (Matley) XV 34 - 48 BEEEEEESTS

On a bright and sunny day the Beests travelled in various directions to Matley, hoping to improve on thier performance against Syston the previous week. Unfortunately one member of the migrating herd ended up in Derby via Matlock Bath and Mackworth, only to discover that the rest of the herd had migrated to Matley. (You f**king Plonker Simmo)

The Beests Kicked off into a strong headwind, playing up-river for the first quarter, and were soon in the lead after a superb bit of back play saw Nathaniel Good storm in under the posts. Bronx Brooks added the 2 points. Almost from the kick off Moltonlava gathered, ran the length of the pitch and dived in at the corner for the BEESTS second try of the day, which was also converted by Bronx.

Whilst Bronx was slotting the kick the sneaky Matley players had stolen a canoe, and using the spare ball had gently floated down-river, crossing the whitewash completely unnoticed except by the ref, who awarded the try. Luckily the ball was waterlogged, and the Matley kicker was unable to add the nudge.

This DASTARDLY PIECE OF TRICKERY greatly angered the Beests, and having won some good ball out on the left, the ball flowed right where Nathaniel accelerated clear for his second of the day. Again Bronx added the conversion of St Paul.

The Beests then used one of thier old moves from last year and promptly fell asleep, allowing Matley to score under the posts. The Matley 10, feeling guilty about scoring against snoozing opposition, very sportingly missed the conversion.

So ended the first quarter: Matley 10 - 24 The Beests.

The herd were straight out off the blocks in the second half, playing into a blizzard, they resorted to "Ball-up-the -jumper" rugby and Ben Van Smatt went over for a try, Bronx, getting rather boring and predictable, added the nudge.

The Beests now retired to the bar to watch Georgia crush the All Blacks in the World Cup, and left Matley to score 2 uncontested tries, one of which they managed to convert. this brought to an end the second quarter, with the Beests 9 points to the good.

This tactic of resting for a while during the game proved itself at the start of the third quarter. The Beests suitably fed and watered, and inspired by the men from Asia, started at a rattling good pace, which soon had Matley on the back foot again. A good build up with well recycled plastic and cardboard led to the ball being sent wide and our new Polish winger, Mail Sretlaw, dived over for a well deserved try. Looking around for Bronx to take the conversion, the Beests realised that he had fallen asleep in the bar, and failed to return to the pitch, whilst Porridge (our new French player), went off to find him, Dave Danson stepped up to the mark and added the points.

The forwards had been biding their time for a while, and now decided to impose themselves on the Matley pack: this led to a try for Kebab-Lover-Glover, which The man previously known as someone else (but not Jody), converted. Being greedy, The man previously known as someone else then added a penalty.

The third quarter ended with no further scoring, though the Matley scrum half looked as if he was trying to score with PB.

Matley 22 - 48 Beests

The Beests realising that they were so far in front, all went back to Haslams for few beers, leaving the Matley players to squable amongst themselves. Rumour has it that they scored another couple of tries, one of which may, or may not, have been converted.

Frankly "Who cares?"

Squad: Nathaniel Good, Moltonlava, Maddog 1, Maddog 2, Mial Stretlaw, Bronx, Tom Swansong, Rob Smitt, Kebab-Lover-Glover, Caveman, The Whelk, Adamandeve, The Naked Paitballer, Ben Van Smatt, Porridge, Hobnail, Dave Danson (the man previously known as someone else), PB, Martyn van der Dodd, Satnav Simmo, Israel Burk, Cresswell Coaches, Pawpaw, The Maharajah and Ben Whatsisname.

Derby 2nds recorded their first win of the season but it was an unconvincing performance littered with handling errors and turnovers in the contact area. However scrums and line outs were decent and Dave Fitchett, Adam Wilson and Ben Smart put in a lot of hard work around the pitch. It was a break through the centre by Fitchett after 28 minutes that made good ground and as the ball moved left Liam Walter looked to have scored but was judged to have put a foot in touch. Moments later Mike Brooks kicked a penalty for a 3 - 0 lead which remained the score at half time.

After 48 minutes Tom Swainston broke from the side of a maul and ran towards the posts, offloading to Mike Brooks to score. Derby were starting to look more dangerous at this stage and some more quick thinking from Swainston led to a grubber kick through to the corner, which Matt Cornfield chased to score. Both conversions were missed to leave the score 13 - 0. As Derby started to win more ball, a simple dummy scissor and miss move brought Clarke Hobson into the line well, but the final pass went astray and Syston got a reprieve.

With 15  minute left Derby attacked from deep but a pass was dropped and the Syston winger picked up and scored to make the score 13 - 7 and there was a chance Syston could steal the game. 5 minutes later Derby sensibly opted to kick a penalty to get more than a score ahead and Brookes added the 3 points to leave the final score 16 - 7.