Let me tell you a little bedtime story. Once upon a time, there was this big group of men called The Meisters. Some of them were young, some of them were old, but most of them were very, very ugly. They liked to run around a field every Saturday chasing each other and rolling in the mud, sometimes they would chase other people too and if they were very, very lucky they got a big egg as a special prize. At the end of a long day chasing each other, they would all meet up and drink a special juice that would make them talk funny and fall over. One day, one of the Meisters called Dawes had drunk lots and lots of the special juice and had somehow hurt his ankle, but when he stumbled home early in the morning Mrs Dawes told him a very funny joke. She said ‘My waters have just broken’. Oh, how they laughed and laughed! Despite Dawes’s insistence that he was fine, Mrs Dawes drove them both to the Hospital. The Doctors and Nurses took one look at Dawes and requested politely that he goes to somewhere called Casualty. But oh no, Dawes just wanted to stay awake for the next 20 hours until Mrs Dawes had stopped screaming at him. When she did stop, there was suddenly a little person who spoke just the same language as Dawes…. And they lived happily ever after…. The End.  

SO that was MY Saturday night… how was everybody else’s?

The penultimate league match of the season was at home to Belper. The away fixture was won with the help of Braddow and Louis, but this time the dynamic duo were off having their highlights done, so it was the Meister’s Usual Suspects lining up with Officer Bedders enlisting for one final push before he does a Jack Ryan and ‘goes dark’ in Basra in 5 weeks time. Good Luck Bedders (or should I say that to the insurgents?). Now, I don’t know if many of you have noticed but there has been a spot of competition for the top slot against the Vets, level pegging on points after honours were even in our own matches. The title will be won and lost in the remaining fixtures. So the Meister game plan today would be bonus points. After my week, I can’t remember any of the detail so the rest of the report will be a Fairytale-Lewis-Carroll-stream-of-consciousness-type-of-thing, OK?

We were gash in the first half. Nobody could be bothered to get to the breakdown. There was no support for any forward willing to take the T Ball move. Booya was stranded at least half a dozen times and Belper stole the ball regularly. We moaned and groaned at each other. JB played his usual tenacious game and won a well fought try. They broke back after some gash defending. Scott scored a similar try and converted leaving us just up at the end of the half without any of us even breaking sweat. Where was the effort?

The second half was a different story, all of a sudden we were motivated. We wanted to win the ball. Sheriff played a blinder, taking responsibility for most of the restarts and making Belper pay. Some of the Forwards were running around field like whippets. Notably Wisey, who was found looping around the backs, and the Brain who stopped a Belper move in place of the Fullback and then marched on his on run for at least 170 yards (give or take 160). Tries came in thick and fast, as the Meisters could smell the bonus points. Dancin Dave & Booya scored one a piece but I’ve no idea how. Graham scored one with style although the little wiggle at the end started Dave off on a winge. However, that was nothing compared to the expression of Bad Wind Dave was brewing after the next. Dawes received a pass from Bedders with only one marker to beat, with men on the outside, Dawes runs for the line but checks, steps inside and was lucky enough to make it to the try line for his first. Dave was having kittens.  Colin Luscombe scored his first try of the season with a try that probably summed up the half, everybody wanted the ball but Col beat them to it with a fine burst through Belper’s melting defence. Dawes picked up his second try with a race to the line that the Belper winger handed over on a plate after loudly exclaiming that he couldn’t catch up.

Favourite moment of the game which lead to the Brain’s try. Belper defending on the 5m, a scrappy ball came shooting out of a ruck - the nearest player being Belper’s winger. The winger positions himself…Hoo Hoo Hoo!…Sheriff smells new 1st years!… Winger decides he wants his jewels intact … the ball bounces and Sheriff pounces, leaving the Brain to pick up the pass to glory. I’ve never seen anyone tackled by fear before – he was actually put off by the sound of barking!! Sheriff never even touched him! Awesome.

Final Score 57 – 10. Bonus points in the bag after 9 tries. Another game that sums up the season. Gash, but awesome. Good night.

Why is that whenever someone hits on a great idea for a film they have to ruining by making a sequel? The Sting II…Why? The first film was an Oscar winning virtuoso with two of the greatest actors of their time, Newman & Redford, giving outstanding performances. There was a neat finale that tied up loose endings making a sequel null and void, and yet the Sting II was made without any of the original actors and an unfeasibly bad story line. The list goes on… Blair Witch 2, Speed 2, The Fly 2, Blues Brothers 2000, An American Werewolf in Paris, Teen Wolf Too, Grease 2, The Next Karate Kid, Highlander 2 for God’s sake, There was only One Left at the end!!! How can you make a sequel??? Star Wars 1, 2 & 3 – Pointless. Darth Vader was just Evil. Full stop. I didn’t want to know about him being a whiney miserable teenager who missed his mummy! That last film just made me want to slap him.

(Godfather II and Empire Strikes Back are works of genius, however and should be discounted from this theory) But the message is clear, if you have a great result, leave it alone to be the stuff of legends, don’t try and make it even better by re-doing it.

So this brings me to ‘The Rematch’; or ‘The Meisters v The Vets 2’ - or as it will forever henceforth be known as - “The Revenge of the Coffin Dodgers”. Now, if you’ve subscribed to this blog / match-report-soon-to-be-available-as-a-weekly-podcast-thingy, you’ll know from my previous reports I’m equally as scathing and scornful to our own shortcomings when we lose as I am overblown and gloating when we win. But, firstly I will take my hat of to the Old Oxygen Thieves for outwitting and outplaying us. The pre-match preparation had been convincing – 14 of the 4th’s put some effort in on Thursday night, even Cavey turned up for training! The plan was to run the ball at every opportunity and support Dancin Dave, as he will undoubtedly be their target man. The first tackle in the last match proved the 4th’s intent, let’s be first there again. However, when the match started there was no first tackle. From the kick off, the Vets, choosing to have the wind in their backs, kicked long leaving the 4th’s with a defensive kick that was blown backwards into the 4th’s half gaining the Vets more advantage. The next move was genius, As the 4th’s backtracked towards the ball, The Vets forwards piled in and gained possession, swiftly moving it out to the centres and Kenty & His Nibs neatly switched to out-fox their opposites Dawes & Walton, for Nibsy to put a try under the posts. Converted 7 – 0.

The 4ths hit back with some good possession up field, but poor discipline and decisions pegged us backwards as the Vets started to turn the screw. Restrained in their own half for the next 10 minutes, the 4th’s plan went out the window. The forwards tried to go head to head with The Vets with slow ball after slow ball, mistakes were made leaving the Vets with a penalty, 10 – 0.

By now any ball that came to a 4th’s back were greeted with a Vet in his face. The rush defence that was used so effectively by the 4th’s in the last match had been turned against them just like Arnie in Terminator 2 (not a bad sequel, but T3 was just awful, proving my point again). Dancin Dave was targeted, but not as viciously as Scot at Scrum Half, each scrum sent the 4th’s backwards. Some valiant 4th’s defending on the try line wasn’t enough to stop the Vets 2nd try. 15 – 0.

Even the elements were against us, the low sun blinding the full backs as the punts rained down and the wind keeping Dave’s usual distance under raps. However, there’s no use in blaming nature, this was not the 4th’s of old, there was little-to-no support, Booya made some decent runs blindside but was eventually turned over as at every tackle the 4th’s were out numbered 3 to 1. The final straw was at a ruck over on the far sideline, the Vet Scrum Half took the ball straight through the flailing defence and marched on 20 yds with no resistance at all, the nearest man to him was Dawes who had no chance of catching up from the other side of the pitch. Converted and at Half time the Vets were convincingly up 22 – 0.

Now with every sequel, there’s a bit that leaves a nasty taste in the mouth – Luke Skywalker losing his hand, Michael Corleone having his brother assassinated, Sean Connery being resurrected in Highlander 2 and spouting some rubbish about really being an Alien, just so they could make have a big name in the sequel… you know the sort of thing. Sure enough the “Revenge of the Coffin Dodgers” had it’s sour moments. The 4th’s in my mind were beaten psychologically in the first 10 minutes, but were really up against it in the 2nd half. A change of plan and personnel was needed. However, the Vets needlessly let themselves down with their attitude and behaviour. Arguments broke out and tit-for-tat hits went in under the guise of ‘it’s-all-part-of-Rugby, it’s-a-tough-game-you-know’. The washing line defence as Charlie broke through was pushing it a bit, but Eamon diving knee first into a ruck landing on someone’s back is just irresponsible, I’m sorry, you’re big but you’re not clever. Then the Vet’s Captain ridiculous display of waiting to have water poured on his back to waste a couple of minutes then running off with a grin and a wink… are we Portuguese Footballers? It wasn’t all bad though, the 4th’s elected to run every penalty they had, but the Vets were equal to it. Batesy piled in and put the ball down for the 4th’s but it was disallowed.

There was some spectacular tackling put in. Dawes had only just caught Walton’s hospital pass before Nibsy floored him with an awesome turnover tackle (I could hear the ‘Oooooh’ from the crowd on the sideline under the pile of bodies), the same thing then happened again with Dave supplying the Mortuary Pass, however Dawes was waiting for it and stood up to the tackle… before losing the ball to the 3 Vets who followed in. The 4ths put in a better performance in the 2nd half but only managed one penalty. Full time. The Vets had won 22 – 3. It was true about the 4th’s 13 game winning streak having it’s comeuppance. The singing could be heard throughout the changing rooms and it was a deserved victory.

The key thing to good screenplay writing is never to re-hash an old idea. Also two films is never enough, trilogies are better. Firstly, establish your characters, then have the revenge of the adversaries in the 2nd, before rounding off the story in the 3rd with righting the wrongs, winning the battle, good v evil etc, etc, etc.

It was The Vets time. They deserved the win. It’s One A Piece. However, the true finale will be decided with the League - which I believe, unless I’m misinformed will be decided on  Goal Difference – Personally, I don’t care who wins, these games have made this season, given a 4th’s team a sense of pride  and brought the Glory Days back to the Old Codgers. Let’s hope it ends in the style of “Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade” rather than “Godfather III”.

It’s bean soo lung sinse oor lasd geme, i’ve furgtton hw 2 typ. Stll, at lest tht meens I can reeli schware now…cntu. 

Dans la mémoire du jeu d' Angleterre-France ce rapport d'allumette vous sera apporté entièrement en français. Ha Ha! Le Grand Chelem est perdu pour les grenouilles, Quelle Damage… Vive les Ros-Bif victorieux!……… Nessun'attesa di no un il minuto! Non dimentichi le vittorie Italiane magnifiche e storiche. Il Haggis era bambini piccoli e per quanto riguarda gli ‘Amanti delle Pecore’.... Ho urinato sui miei pattini. Ha Ha Ha! Viva Azzurri! 

The internet is such a wonderful thing, I can guarantee 9/10 of you couldn't understand a word of that, but after 30 seconds of searching, you’ll be urinating on your ice skates (literal translations are not a strong point though!). 

After a 3 week lay off, The Mighty Meisters stretched and groaned their way back on to the pitch to face a return home fixture against Ripley Rhinos. Last time the two met was the eve of Mick’s Bar Opening in which two thirds of the Meisters where eager to catch a train to London – the resulting game was secondary to the forthcoming night of debauchery, hence we lost 22 – 12 to a convincing Rhino outfit that benefited from Derby’s lack of try scoring talent. The return however, seemed to suffer from a plethora of try scoring talent… in fact, if you’ve got a moment while I digress… if try scoring talent had a collective noun (flock of sheep, school of fish etc) - Saturday’s extended team line up of 20+ provided what can only be classed as ‘Un Putain’ of Try Scoring Talent.

The game started steady enough with the Rhino’s weighty forwards gaining possession and marching slowly up field. A sustained period of 10 minutes or so, saw the Rhinos scrum impressively push the Meisters off the ball with ease (a term I seem to use regularly in these reports, honestly you’d think someone would take notice and arrange some scrum practise…we’ve got an important game next week, you know!!! No use, it’s like talking to myself…)

The Rhino’s could not capitalise however, and the ball came to the Derby backs. Nelly started the move with a burst straight through the centre of the ruck and passed to Dancin Dave who broke the momentum with a cleverly disguised dummy or eight, Scot converted 7 – 0. The rest of the half saw Louis “Il est un vrai con” Gandolfo run 3 tries in from full back. Two, he just lost the inept Rhino defence with his pace from around their 22, one was a superb demonstration of shaking tackles off and dogged persistence. Scot converted all three. 28 – 0. Dawes had a mare, he should have taken the defence on a few times once getting through but instead waited for back up and lost momentum. The Horse & Finbar had quiet games due to the Dave & Louis show. There was some slick passing though. At the end of the first half, the Rhinos had a penalty on Derby’s 5m line and decided to run it. This resulted in scrum after scrum. At Last some fine stout defending from the Meisters forwards kept the Rhinos at bay for 5 minutes until the Ref blew. This is the sort of thing we’ll be needing next week.

In the second half, there were wholesale changes to both the pack & backs. However, the only effective change was that Gandolfo was replaced by Wolverine. First off, a Dave Richards run unbelievably fell short by a yard, Wolfy on hand for his easiest ever try, pick up and put down. Scot superbly converted from the side line. 35 – 0.

At this point the Rhino’s picked up their only try, a mix up with Wolfy & Dawes let them through on the 5m for a soft one, but they failed to convert. Then came the handbags, Nathan the Terminator had not played for some months and so needed to let off some steam. The result was the Ref (who was being assessed) became “anale ritentivo” pinging Derby for the slightest misdemeanor… as a result Dawes was sin binned for the Team’s Third Offence…not rolling away, even though he had stolen the ball. “Vaffanculo a Lei, la sua moglie, e' la sua madre…”

This mattered not one iota, however, Wolfy ran in four more tries. His pace and tricky side step was like watching a Limping Whippet on heat… with a ball under his arm… on fast forward. The most majestic of which started with Dave on our 22, passing to Daz in at Fullback, Dave looped round and received the return then lofted it over to Wolfy on the halfway line. He zipped past his first two, with only the fullback to beat… “Watch out for the side step!” cried the Rhino supporters and right on cue a Camp Fred Astair materialised leaving the Rhino Fullback dazed, confused and sat on his backside.

Daz put one down at the last, only due to Gandolfo (who came back on for Dawes) handing him the ball over the line just to avoid his jug. Final Score 66 – 5.

Men of the Match had to go to Gandolfo & Wolverine. This however, does not let The Meisters of the hook. Next week’s game is the return fixture against the Derby Vets. This could decide the league title. Both star players are not available and The Meisters will have to pull something special out of the bag to beat the Vets up front. The Meisters are now unbeaten for 13 games… Some inspirational leadership is needed.

This match report is dedicated to Idiots.

Article found on the renowned News Agency, Reuters, website on Friday Feb 16th:
VODKA FUELLED FISHERMAN WRESTLES WITH SHARK - A fisherman fuelled by vodka caught a 1.3-metre shark and wrestled it onto a jetty on Australia's south coast, suffering only small tear marks in his trousers, media reports said on Friday. Phillip Kerkhof, 41, caught the bronze whaler shark by hand on Monday after he spotted it chasing squid lures near the jetty at the tiny seaside town of Louth Bay in the South Australia state. "I just snuck up behind him and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," Kerkhof said. "I’d had a fair few Vodka’s…It's not something I'd recommend to do," he said. "When I sobered up I thought about it and I was a bit of an idiot."

How prophetic life is, only a few hours later there would be a similar event unfolding in the changing rooms during Derby RFC’s Vodka Night…a very pleasant evening as noted by Gwent Paylor’s delightful Missus who popped in to see what the changing rooms looked like and commented on how well behaved Rugby lads are, not like Footballers at all… no sooner had she left, the Derby Wing of the South African Shark Wrestling Team leapt into action. Oh, it was such fun to see their little faces huffing & puffing. The result was much the same as Mr Kerkhof’s bout though as the only injury was pride and a few tears (both tears –eyes and tears –clothing!)…I’m sure they felt just as idiotic when they sobered up…(nah! No chance of that happening)

As a word of warning to anyone thinking of taking their Vodka Refuelling activities to Birmingham, Booya was there last week and he was stung £8 for one drink… His words were “you expect it in London, but not Birmingham…it’s not as if there were any fit birds to look at! £8!!!….” Sorry Boo, they saw an Idiot and took their chance…much in the same way that a Dave Richards Impostor saw a chance to steal Dave’s credit card details and book himself a £2k flight to Central Asia!!

Enough of such nonsense; another bunch of Vodka Fuelled Idiots made their way across the border for a friendly against Nottingham Moderns. Not having played for two weeks and still on the back of 11 straight wins, there was an air of uncertainty as The Meisters met The Moderns for the first time. Rob Higgins was back after breaking his leg a mere 3 months ago. He was hoping to have a 20 minute 2nd Half run to test it, but that was scuppered when Moderns had no Ref, so our very own Wisey had to step into the breach leaving us with one sub and Rob’s fingers crossed as he took up at Fullback.

The game started with the Moderns forwards showing their intent, some very able play saw them win possession easily at the scrum and lineouts. The Meisters tight 5 of Davy, Paylor Snr, Luscombe, Nelly and The Braain not up to their usual tenacious standards. The backs however, started to stamp their authority though. First, Dawes side stepped his man and ran on 20 yds before an alleged forwards pass over to Charlie stopped the play. Then, The Horse did a very similar trick, with some great pace but the pass to Dawes was again forward. Camped on our own try line, Dawes snatched a loose pass and gassed a slow forward before running out of fuel himself and passing onto Jesus, who’s turn of pace was awesome… but short lived. A penalty on the Moderns 5m line came for Nelly to rumble over the line and clearly put the ball down with one hand. However, Sir Wisey the Impartial didn’t see it though and the try was disallowed. Yet again the move broke down, each time Moderns regained possession and pressed down the field. The breakthrough came from Dancin’ Dave, fresh from his break in Pakistan, took the ball from a ruck and Polka’d his way under the posts & converted. 7 – 0

By now, it became apparent that we weren’t going to win any set plays, the Moderns forwards pushing The Meisters off the ball with ease, spoiling all lineouts and winning most of the loose play. Nelly had been severely clattered off the ball and went off. When the end of the half came, it had been end to end stuff, but we were up. The 2nd half started in much the same fashion as the 1st, an excellent run by Davy took us downfield with Dawes & Jesus in tow, but Davy veered away from the support and the move broke down. Up stepped Dave Richards, who had now bought a swanky apartment in Lahore with a double rickshaw garage, the move had swallowed up enough support for Dave to Foxtrot Oscar around the other side for his second try, he decided not to put it under the posts though as we didn’t need 2 points. 12 – 0.
By now we were into our School Bully strides, Dawes managed to knee the Moderns 15 in the chest which nagged him for the rest of the game, Charlie & the Moderns 12 had a bit of handbags brought around as a direct result of Dawes speciality high tackle around the neck, but he though Charlie had done it. Then came the Flashman Masterclass of School Bullying, the Moderns 14 running down the wing, gassed Dawes, took on Pierrepont and kicked a beautifully weighted punt down the line… three steps on… it came out of the blue… Hoo Hoo Hoo…. 5 steps on … HOO HOO WHO’s THE DADDY? Sheriff’s late tackle was spectacular in it’s timing as much as it’s devastation, the Moderns 14 laid out for the count, Sheriff grinning from ear to ear lucky not to be sent off, Sir Wisey had no option but to award a penalty on our 5m…. but we all enjoyed that one. Moderns luck looked totally out as they quickly took the penalty with no Meisters defence in place, but The Idiot dropped it over the line.

To rub salt in the wounds, and in honour of Freddy’s superb juggling act, Horsefield’s devastating break through the lines almost came unstuck when the ball slipped out of his hands… popped back in and he continued his run under the posts, Dave converted from his Penthouse in uptown Mumbai. 19 – 0.

So, what do you do when you’re 19 – 0 up with 20 minutes to go? It’s all about the clean sheet. Their spirits broken; just get your heads down for more of the same… ONLY REAL IDIOTS WOULD LET IT SLIP.

I won’t elaborate but the final two minutes of the game summed up the remaining 20 minutes. We were running around like Headless Chickens at a Bernard Matthews Health Inspection. Chas & Dave decided to re-enact the Rabbit Song with astonishing ineptitude. “It was your fault”, “No it was yours”, “You’re Fat”, “You’re Ugly”, “My Dad’s bigger than your Dad”, “I can kick further than you”… blah, blah, blah; they didn’t even notice the full time whistle go. Man of the Match went to Wisey who Ref’d with great skill, although Ben Harvie played a blinder under a lot of pressure as did Jesus.

It’s one thing to be an Idiot, but The Meisters were Lucky Idiots. Final Score: Meisters 19 – Moderns 17

A cliché is a phrase, expression, or idea that has been overused to the point of losing its intended force or novelty, especially when at some time it was considered distinctively forceful or novel. (A cliché is also a term historically used in printing, for a printing plate cast from two separate types, which derives the term Stereotype.) Don’t tell me you never learn something reading these reports! Well, you Live & Learn don’t you? (1).

It was hot on the heels of success (2), and riding high on the back of nine straight victories, that the Meisters sped down the A38 to Burton like a Bat out of Hell (3). However, back on 16^th September, Burton had beaten the emerging Meisters at home with the help of defiant forward play and the plethora of Meisters inexperienced subs. However, revenge is a dish best served cold (4) and never ones to misunderestimate themselves (5 - courtesy of G.W. Bush) The Meisters were out to win.

Burton had other ideas (that doesn’t mean they were out to lose, I meant they were opposed to us winning) and so the mind games started with not only a change of pitch (redirected half way around Burton to Shobnall Leisure Centre) but also a half hour wait for the changing rooms - being an actual locked cage that we had to fork out a £10 deposit for a key! This left us no time to rehearse lineouts or moves, but surely we could practice what we preached (6) and not let this affect us?

The game kicked off with some good advantage from the forwards straight from the kick, passing out wide. Some excellent interplay with Richards, Walton, Dawes, Freddie & the new comer Ollie at Fullback, saw Dawes surging through for a cert.  Unfortunately he was pulled back by the Ref who believed he saw a forward pass from his position of 15 metres behind gasping to keep up with the game, but hey, we have to look at both sides of the coin. (7)

Burton hit back with their experience showing in the forwards, scrums were turned over and mauls rolled forward. The Meisters lineouts were shaky and a couple of downfield punts lost us valuable possession. In fact, the Burton No 10 used his foot like a rolling cook spoiling two in the bush (8,9,10), the result being a try for the Burton forwards.

The Meisters’ Backs were however in running form and threatened to break through. Even the long awaiting pass from Dawes to Reuben looked on the cards. It was only 3 months in coming, but you should be careful what you wish for (11) as when Dawes finally passed to Reuben, Burton tackled him with such force that a loud cracking was heard and Rueben laid face down, not moving, obviously in pain. Being subbed off for Griz (usual 2^nd row, now right wing!) Reuben spent the rest of the game in agony as he had broken his hip and will be out for 12 weeks. Best wishes Reuben. 

The “T-Ball’ move (running the ball from a ruck with support behind) that was distinctly a forceful novelty against the Colts was overused to the point of losing its novelty against Burton. We were trying to play them at their own game (12) and losing. By the end of the half we had only managed to convert a penalty whilst Burton had added another Forwards Try. 12 -3

Not ones to cry over spilled milk (13) and also as it’s a game of two halves (14), The Meisters would lay down and lose when hell freezes over (15). After Booya had a word with Nelly & Cavey and hauled them over the coals (16), the scrums started to turn. Big Rob Smith & Fitchy (starting with the 4^ths after several months away) proved to be inspirational figures. Fitchy’s tenacity and tackling stopped more than a few Burton moves and Big Rob lead the Meisters revival with a burst over the line to score. 12 -8

Burton were always threatening though scoring a penalty soon after half time.  Fitchy then made an big break through the centre of the pitch, which Derby then knocked on (for a change).  The ball popped out of the side of the scrum and Scott raced away to score to make it 15-13.  Next, despite Dawes’ efforts to hold the ball up, ‘accidentally’ kneeing the Burton centre in the head so he dropped the ball over the line, Burton came back and increased their lead 20 -13. This was when a freakily apocryphal Meisters moment occurred. Firstly, Davey had his 10 minutes of filth and started his highland tap dance on the Burton No 5’s neck and got Sin Binned. Then Booya who, running to the rescue of his housemate Jesus, threw a nice right hook at the same No 5 who was shoeing Jesus (Jesus admitted later he didn’t feel a thing, but it was a heart warming moment) however, Booya was yellow carded and the Meisters were 2 men down! History repeating itself (17) to anyone who read last week’s report. Not that I’m again drawing conclusions between the Meisters and Martin Johnson’s World Cup winning side.  The next 10 minutes inspired defence rubbed salt in the wounds (18) for Burton, they couldn’t capitalise on the advantage.

The forwards were playing out of their skin (19), Jesus had a storming game and almost ran one in himself. When Davey & Boo were back in (The Braaain subbed in for Booya for his own safety) it looked like an upset was on the cards (20). Then when Dawes almost at the line was caught and knocked the ball on, the ref was too far behind to notice, Scott pounced over the line to make the score 20 -18.  In the final few minutes, it happened when Big Rob Smith set off on a run, his hand off’s not so much palms as wrapped around throats. The Burton defence fell like a House of Cards (21) and Rob ran in under the posts, leaving Dave to convert and the Meisters to win 20 -25. Burton were as Sick as a Parrot (22), The Meisters as Happy as Larry (23), proving winners never quit and quitters never win (24). A good gutsy performance even though it was just a friendly, all credit to Burton who could have won it. Too all those who thought I wouldn’t get 25 clichés in one report; they think it’s all over, it is now. (25).

What makes a good team? During the 2003 Pre World Cup Tour to New Zealand, England were 15-13 up but in the dying minutes found themselves defending on their 5m line with both Dallaglio and Back sin binned. Martin Johnson told his 5 remaining forwards to "get down and shove"; and they held off the full New Zealand pack to win the game. That’s Balls. Balls and the will to win made that a great team. When asked what was going through his brain when he scrummed down, Johnson replied "My Spine". Now don’t get me wrong I’m not about to attempt to draw similes between one of the Greatest World Class Sides and The Derby 4th Team although come to mention it, both highly criticised for their approach, both have an aloof, almost absent Manager, both performed when the pressure was on, both extremely talented and good looking. Anyhoo, I digress.

Brain’s absence (leaving the reins of power to the corrupt-cruel-dictator-in-waiting - Sheriff) and the expected-game-at-Ilkeston-found-on-the-day-to-be-cancelled-but-hey-let’s-play-the-Colts led some Conspiracy Theorists to believe this was a pre-planned exercise. After the Vets debacle, maybe a game against the well trained Colts will tame these upstarts, but let’s keep it quiet, don’t want to make spectacle, after all they are only a 4th Team. Last season the Colts gave the 4th’s a classy drubbing running in 8 impressive tries capped off with a spectacular cross field kick that the winger caught without losing step for a try. That was however, in the dark days before the transformation of the 4th’s into the #147; The Meisters #148; emerging like a giant mutant boozey butterfly. The Meisters knew what they were up against and, in a twist of fate as ironic as Jade Goody’s career beginning and ending in the same house, The Meister’s realised the only way to win was to do exactly the opposite of what they did in the Vets game; slow the game down.

This became abundantly clear in the opening minutes of the game. The Colts centres impressively ran through the slapdash defence for a try. This was the only wake up call required. The forwards took control of the ball and the remaining half. The Colts scarcely had any play other than to boot downfield. The plan was simple - take the ball round or through the ruck. This was so effective the Colts found themselves defending for the rest of the half. The Referee denying Big Rob’s try because he couldn’t actually see the ball put down was frustrating, but Slacky eventually capping off some fine play levelled the scores 5 - 5 at half time.

The second half started well for the Meisters, Dancin’ Dave doing the honours with his usual foxtroting finesse and converting 12 - 5.

Mr Cornfield took the Colts aside to advise and sure enough they played to their strengths, running the ball from one side to the other with some fine long ball passing from the centres and then back again, leaving their Back to sprint round Nelly & Booya for a well worked try 12 - 12.

Eventually, the only penalty they didn’t run was the one that won the game, The Meisters won a hard fought game 20 - 19.

It’s a testament to the quality of this club when the two toughest games of our season have come from the Vets & The Colts two down, three to go? The Dev’s (Derby III’s) are leading the division above the Meisters and some might say that’s a step too far, but who knows, if for some reason they don’t go up next season it’s likely we’d be playing them anyway (oops...Rematch against The Vets on 17th March depending).

In the post match analysis in the bar, we decided what makes this side a good team is not only the will to win or the Balls -
It’s the booze.

So, Christmas finally is over for another year. The Tree, Tinsle & Decorations are going back in the garage only to be eaten by mice and have to be re-bought again next year. The Chav Outside Light Display, that quadrupled your electricity bill and caused mild myopia, have finally been switched off (although you’re tempted to leave them there till next year). You’ve reclaimed the Inflatable Singing Santa that blew off your roof away a week ago from the neighbour’s back garden. You’re now ready to face the New Year, although you’ve gained an extra 2 stone from having to finish off the remaining Party Food, Chocolates & those 2 bottles of Advocat rather than let it go to waste because you panic bought on 24^th December due to Asda shutting for one day.

It was with all this in mind that a slightly pallid but chubbier Meisters took to the field against Mansfield IV’s. The last time the two teams met on 23^rd Sept was a tough match that the Meisters only won in the dying minutes with a little help from Spiderman. This time though, The Meisters confidence is on the up.

By now Mansfield heads had dropped, even their 5m scrum push stopped working. This was highlighted when Louis did his usual trick of taking the ball at Full Back and running it in past 8 players. However, the high jinks of Dawes putting the ball down on his behalf was greeted with "We've come a long way for this game, don't laugh at us" moaned one of the Mansfield Forwards, who was also convinced they were playing Derby 2nd Team.  Brain's Obiter Dictum read: "Dawes scored officially (not even worth mentioning his legs, he is definitely too interested in sleazing on women to look at me)..."

Favourite Moment of the Match: Freddie received the ball deep and started on a run, upon his first encounter with the opposition it looked like Freddie was going to attempt either quick punt or a dummy, whatever it was the ball slipped out of his hands long enough to completely out fox Mansfield, Freddie managed to catch it and ran on for another 40m - one hell of a lesson to watch the ball not the player.

Closing words of wisdom from The Brain, " ..What a lovely game. The backs were awesome but the forwards were asleep for most of the 1^st half.  Fordy was awesome, Booya slagging all the forwards off from the sideline then showing them how it was done on the pitch.  Slacky playing tight head for the 1^st time in his life and propping for the 1^st time in 7 years. 

My Lovely Team was: Davy, Colin, Slacky, Nelly, Cavey, Griz, Fordy, Beddy, Scott, Dave, Freddie, Norm, Dawes, Charlie, Louis.  

Subs were, Ben Harvie, Craig, Booya, Titch, Big Rob, JB, Wisey, Ruben

Supporters were; The Brain, Jesus, Pange, Emily, Clare, Sheriff, Alexia…..I'll think I'll have a head massage after my manicure tonight...”

Final Score: The Meisters 49 - Mansfield 15

The Pennant Security League Division 5 Top of the Table Clash on 23^rd December between Derby Vets & The Mighty Meisters will go down as one of those monumental occasions that stands the test of time, etches itself into peoples brains and bangs in the back doors of Derby RFC history. Think along the lines of 2003 Eng v Aus World Cup Final, 1981 & 2005 Ashes, 1966 & 2001 England V Germany ...in fact add 1945 & 1918 to that as well.

There was a big crowd on the side lines, probably the best turn out to any match in 2006. Admittedly most of them were the Vet’s Supporters, but they needed the help. The Vets had already showed their true colours by opting for Pitch 3 even though the 1^st pitch was available. When I say Pitch, calling it a Pitch is like claiming Sheriff as well hung as Saddam Hussein. Still, if the old oxygen thieves want to hide on a narrow, boggy excuse for a pitch and still get beat, it’s up to them.

1^st Tackle of the match went to Cavey, now he won’t mind me saying that he’s not the most committed athlete, in fact when it comes to it Cavey would rather choke a chicken than go to training, however the Meisters opened their account when Cavey totally abolished the Vets move from the scrum with a crunching tackle. The Ref saw it differently though and blew for a penalty for not rolling away against the 4^ths.

5 minutes in, the 4^ths were camped on their 5m line after the Ref called 2 unfair penalty’s for not being on the back foot of the scrum. The Vets capitalised by converting.  3-0 to the Vets.

The half time chat from the Vets was something along the lines of ‘Are we going to let these young squirts get the better of us..?’ as they rejoined the 2^nd half with the appetite of a babysitting Pitbull. Their newfound aggression gained them a laughable try. A boot down field was looking to go to touch, but Freddie decided to attempt to keep it in, the Vets seized on it and ran it in, to make the rest of the half uncomfortable. 8 – 11 to the 4^ths.

Eamon got the biggest Booing from the crowd when his fist joined the scrum a few minutes before his sizeable frame did. He was obviously getting rid of the pent up aggression from waiting on the sideline. Then there was a ‘Clash of the Titans’ wrestling as Batesy & Mick Thomson did their impression of Godzilla v King Kong…. Everybody else just stood well back.

The crowd got into the spirit of things by crying ‘Shoe Him!!’ at every opportunity. By now though, the Coffin Dodgers were suffering from exposure and started dropping like flies. The whistle blew and the Meisters had scored a memorable, if messy, victory.

The post match celebrations at the Christmas Party Karaoke started off with a very drunk ‘We are the Champions’, and ended with the Braaain talking in Binary at anybody who’d listen (1-0, 1-0, 1-0, 1-0….)

Should be a good Rematch, hopefully we will get sight of the league table soon!

Due to the poetic performance of the Meisters against Ranby Prison, the following match report will be written via the medium of poetry...

Ode to The Mighty Meisters

The Mighty Meisters were at it again, Twenty Two strong and led by the Brain.

1st time at Ranby, 13 men lost, the aim of this game was to win at all cost.

Eager to practise, The Meisters arrived to aquaint ourselves with the view from inside.

10 minutes in disaster did call, in the embarassing form of a hospital ball.

Dave missed a bad pass & then seemed to pause, to leave Ranby to pounce on a floundering Dawes.

Ranby 5 up but then missed the kick, Meisters re focussed to not miss a trick.

Regain composure was the call of the day, as tackles went flying to make Ranby pay.

What followed next was just pure class, Meisters on form to kick some Convict Ass

Forward possession was calm & controlled, as Scott's beautiful boot began to unfold.

Three Penalty's kicked before the half time, The Meister's were leading Ranby 5 - 9

The forwards were dominant phase after phase, Booya going blindside to leave Ranby dazed.

The pace of the game made Ranby look slackers, hard to ignore when Sherriff's crunching their knackers.

Finally the burden was to much to take, Dancin Dave Richards scored after the break.

This seemed to open the floodgates for more, as the Meisters poured on score after score.

Running the pack were Jesus and Boo, which brought on more tries as the latter got two.

The first try of his was a well fought out battle, the second more like stealing a young child's rattle.

Dawes picked one up from the 5m line, Ranby knew they were now out of time.

Scott by this time was a conversion whore, some beautiful kicking to increase the score.

Ranby all heart but inexperience showed, as at every ruck the Ref's whistle he blowed ;-)

The final try we added the glacing, after Dave's kick - Chas & Dawes went a-racing

Their full back stood over the ball like a tw@t, ready to pounce was Charlie The Cat.

Whistle blew time, Meister's won the bout, not just against Ranby but their own nagging doubts.

The performance that mattered, now place your bets, of the Meisters beating the experienced Vets.

With this team on form the odds are alive. Final Score: Meisters 42 - Ranby 5

"It's Christmas Time and there's no need to be afraid...
And at Full time, Coalville let in tries and felt ashamed…"

Yes, What better way to celebrate Christmas than a good old sing song. So come on, finish your glass of Mulled Wine, Snowball or Dandelion & Burdock (Jagermeister & RedBull). Put down your Scalextrix and put on your wellies, scarf & mittens (the ones with the connector string that goes up your sleeves). Set the Turkey & Stuffing on low, we're off down the pub for a few before lunch to hear a how this match went and sing a few songs…

It was a very cold journey up the hill to Coalville, but the Meisters showed their intent and turned up in force. An impressive squad of 22 warmed up with the biggest game of Pass the Parcel I'd seen since Junior School. When Coalville finally surfaced and the whistle blew, the opening move went as follows.

Coalville kicked, Nelly received, ruck. Graham "Finbar "Finlay dug it out, Louis received…... Try….. "Do they know how to Tackle at Alllll…?"

Coalville responded to this early disappointment with vehement benevolence. They kicked the ball long during their first phase of play, Louis "I'm-on-my-own-22m-line-playing-Full-Back-what-do-you-expect-me-to-do-Ooh-I've-Just-Scored-Another-Try" Gandolfo received and returned the complement after cutting a curve the length of the pitch, out running & out classing the Coalville backs. No need to pass, we couldn’t catch him either…."See Amid the Coalville Posts…."

The returning-from-injury-kicking-sensation Scott "The Boot" Johnson converting after the wind took the first.

Coalville slowly started to get their act together, but with Sheriff, The Braaain, Cavey, Colin Luscombe, Nelly & Booya on form, tackles went in thick & fast, Coalville possession was lost, Dawes scored an easy try, after all the hard work was done by Scot at Fly Half & Braddow at inside centre. Then the damaging tackles started to show as Coalville lost a player only to be replaced by our very own J.B. (who obviously couldn't stand the biting Cold on the by-line, instead offering to Roast his Chestnuts in the scrum). Now, The Meister's Christmas spirit is well known in these regions, as demonstrated previously with the addition of Jody to the Loogabarooga side, but a gift wrapped J.B. was the present Coalville always wanted… Somebody who could tackle. As a result The Meisters found themselves having to defend, but Coalville's back play let them down, their under rehearsed moves were too predictable and they crumbled under the slightest pressure.

Then came the comedy classic, the equivalent of The Two Ronnie's Christmas Special. Firstly, after a surging run by Finbar and awesome support by the forwards was held up on the line, Gandolfo's out of character knock-on spoilt a certain try, then after Braddow broke through and only had the full back to beat, Dawes came screaming for the pass and to his surprise…. Braddow passed…. Open field, 10 metres to go, all you're got to do is catch it….. What? Braddow passed??.... Too late, the moment was gone. Dawes had missed a sitter…. "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot…"

(Braddow was a bit miffed about that one as he could've scored himself, but any feelings of guilt were washed away later when Dawes found Braddow out the back of Jorrocks in a pool of his own vomit, took him home, put him in the recovery position after his Girlfriend had hilariously slapped him for being a drunken fool, then did the chivalrous thing and jumped in a Taxi with his Missus back to Jorrocks!!).

As with all good Christmas stories, the chance for redemption is never far away. A few minutes later, after promising to Reuben on the wing that one day he will get to touch a ball, Dawes received the ball on the Coalville 22, ran through the first back, handed off the second, ran down the touchline with only the Full back to beat. Bosh! Over in the corner for his 2nd try…. "I Saw Three Backs go flailing by and Coalville's play was appalling…."

Gandolfo redeemed himself with his 3rd try before Half Time, the usual Pantomime-chase-me-he's-behind-you affair. Braddow also managed to put the past behind him and get one for himself after some excellent running.

Half Time rang the Bells of Change for Norm Collier returning from injury in place of Gandolfo, Jesus (ironically) for the Braaain, Fordy for Reuben, Wisey for Nelly, Charlie for Braddow and Pierrepont for Freddy - with the score standing at a Jolly 36-00.

The second half belonged to the Forwards. Against the wind, surging runs from Finbar followed by the Forwards crunching tackles laid Coalville to waste, as two more of their players hobbled off…. "Their Forwards watched the Ball go by…"

Cavey & The True Meaning of Christmas breaking through the lines for Cavey to finish for his first.…."Baby Jesus & The Little Donkey..."

A few minutes, later Cavey put down his second after The Wise Man had given him his gift…."I wish it could be Christmas everyday..."

Collier proved himself a force to be reckoned with after getting stuck in at Full Back with some excellent running and tackling, he needs to make a decision for the 23rd Dec when the top of the table clash between The Meisters & Derby Vets takes place. Norm's exuberance though led to Coalville's first try. After forcing his way through, there was a gap at the back, and when Coalville punted the ball down field Dawes was facing a 50m sprint to chase the Coalville Full Back to the ball. After battling to the line, Dawes put his hand on it, but Sir allowed the try for Coalville (he admitted later in the bar that he gave it as a consolation as he thought Dawes had obstructed the Full Back…from behind???)

The next phase of play saw Wisey take the ball almost to the try line, stopped just short but the ball went into touch for a Derby throw. Finbar called a Dummy-Scissors-Pop, Charlie faked beautifully to leave Dawes with a gap the size of a Large Turkey and a 10m run in for his 3rd. There was some dispute whether the ball was knocked out of his hand at the last minute but hey-ho - they all count…. "We 3 Tries give you more than Booya…"

Favourite Moment of the Match: Coalville defending deep, received the ball from a Lineout behind their own try line, went to kick under pressure. The ball went about 3 yards, hitting one of Coalville's players square in the face before rebounding into the waiting hands of Booya who just knelt down for a try… Everybody was in stitches apart from the bloke lying on the floor with a numb face..."It'll be Lonely this Christmas, without... a nose..."

The final moments of the game saw Coalville put down a try of their own as the whistle blew. A good performance by the ever improving Meisters, the next two weeks will be deciders for the League with the must-win return game to HMP Ranby and then the grudge match against Derby Vets on 23rd. With this showing against the never fully realised potential of Coalville and a decent turn out, there is reason to believe…. "Oh Come, All Ye faithful..."….  Final Score 60 - 12.

The Meisters regained their form from last week against Coalville, away to Loughborough Town. The Wildebeests (Derby II's) had their match cancelled so two of their most illustrious players (The Titanic Gay-Biker-Pin-Up Matt Bates & The Effervescent-drumming-drinking-paintballer-pin-up-and-all-round-mentalist Jody Else) had the pleasure of earning their stripes the tough, old school way. Learning how rugby should be played as it was intended… The School Bully way. Also back in the team after another Tour of Duty was The Original-Ginger-Mutant - Beddy.

Loogabarooga had only turned up with 14 players and uncontested scrums, as a result The Meisters weren't in a charitable mood so our 3 subs stood and watched.

In the first minute, Nelly finally got his reward for all his efforts this season with his First Try for the Mighty Meisters. It was awesome in it's simplicity, a penalty on the 5m line was given the touch by Gandolfo-Golden-Balls who turned to see Nelly charging forward. It was over in a flash, the sight of a 20 stone 6 ft 7 behemoth belting towards them caused the Loughboro defence to have a collective bowel movement and Nelly put the ball down 5m over the whitewash without any resistance at all.

Try 2 was a classic Beddy move. Massive hand offs and flailing bodies.

Try 3 Louis 'I've-got-a-brand-new-combined-harvester-ooh-I've-just-scored-another-try' Gandolfo waltzed in as if he was entering a bar in a western

Try 4 Dawes, in the absence of I'Anson, took the ball from our own 5m and weaved a mazy run handing off 14 players before putting the ball down between the posts, but Dave missed the conversion

Try 5 Rob Smith…. Ooh hang on - I got Dawes & Big Rob Smith mixed up. Dawes had an easy put down near the line.. It was Big Rob Smith playing prop who impressively ran the ball 50 yds - there was no chance of him passing that ball whatsoever. He needed oxygen afterwards though.

Try 6 Beddy's surging run passed to Dave with only the Full Back to beat swiftly fed it to Dawes for a sprint to the line, who despite being upended, superbly put the ball down at the last moment.

Try 7 Dancin Dave Richards after watching Strictly Come Dancing opted for the Paso Doble Latin Cha Cha.

At this point Jody Else decided that playing for the underdog would be a good laugh, which gave the opposition 15 men. Now, I'm not going to inveigle my way into Jody's good books through flattery & deceit - a pint of Stella is enough to do that - but this timely god-like addition gave a beaten team some spirited organisation. The following 10 minutes was - I wouldn't say Stiff Opposition…but it was better than the Flaccid excuse they were offering…. let's say it was a Semi… Yes... Jody gave them a Semi…. and they scored 3 points.

Half time came and went. Jody switched back to the Dark Side whilst Sheriff (rendered impotent due to the uncontested scrummery) fancied a bit of violence against his fellow men and joined Loogabarooga.

Try 8 Beddy karate chopped his way to the touchline.

Try 9 Dawes took the ball from Charlie and opted not to pass to Rueben who was waiting patiently for his first pass of the day, ran 20-ish yds… out of the blue came Sheriff, smelling his First Blood (Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! - chuffed Sheriff) Dawes thought about taking him on (Hoo!.....Hoo!.......Hoo!) then thought again and legged it for the corner (Hoo………...Hoo…………..Whoooo am I kidding I'm knackered)  Dawes slid into the corner for his 3rd, whilst Sheriff stopped for a fag. Dave superbly converted it.

Try 10 Dave Richard on another break through the now demoralised defence and thought about passing to Dawes, but ran it in instead.

Try 11 Dawes took the ball with two on the overlap but selfishly stepped inside his man, amid screams from Daz & Reuben to pass, two further defenders melted away being wrong footed by the cutting line. Popped it neatly between the posts in memory of the Late Great Gary I' Anson.

Try 12 Beddy used a Laser Sighted Missile to take out the scrum and then opted for a Survival knife to the Scrum Half, Kneecapped the Centres with an Uzi before a barehanded clean break of the Full back's neck.

Try 13 The forwards having had enough of the Backs stealing the limelight decided to take a rolling maul over to the line only to be stopped feet short. Up stepped Captain Fantastic The Braain who piled over the whitewash making the score line a whitewash too.

The Restarts were fun too, Batesy alternated inventive ways of setting Jody up with a pass, before finally waiting for Jody to steam by whilst giggling to himself after keeping the ball.

The Ref stopped the game 10 minutes from time, Sheriff having homoerotically rolled around in the mud with Batesy for too long and decided that the bar was beckoning.

Final Score The Meisters 79 - 03 Loogaborooga IV's

This Match report is brought to you by the cool smooth refreshing flavour of Jagermeister served by the heaving bosom of a buxom wench in Jorrocks - The Best Bar in Derby.

(Special Mention goes to Rob Higgins who limped off against Melbourne a couple of weeks ago, Rob's Tibia & Fibia are broken. Best wishes for a speedy recovery).

Playing for the Meisters is rather akin to being a West Ham supporter. There's something innately romantic about a team that '..Flies So High, Nearly reach the sky, then like my dreams they fade and die'… the image of some southern hooligan on the stands singing his little heart out about the transient loss of opportunity and 'what could've been' is a surreal anomaly that makes the paintings of Renoir look like that Tennis Bird scratching her arse.

After the dismal performance and lack of spirit against Melbourne, The Meisters got their act together and turned up for a spot of pre match practise / warm up - even the maladroit I'Anson surfaced from his dingy hovel for a spot of fresh air. What followed seemed to be detailed study work for the forwards and a detailed lecture for the backs, but we hit the match running against Coalville rather than the wake up call against Melbourne.

Man of the Match, in my mind, was Nelly - he gets better with every game and proved himself a force to be reckoned with.

Favourite Moment of the Match - I'Anson on the wing receiving from some swift passing from the backs, had 2 yds to make for a try. Tackled by their weedy full back, I'Anson actually landed on the line but somehow managed to not move his arm far enough to score... 'There were two of them' he explained in the changing rooms, 'I couldn't get through'… to which Cavey replied, 'You could if you were good'.

West Ham reached the FA cup final last season through sheer obstinacy in the face of better opposition. The Meisters played Coalville in a friendly. Not quite the same but it'll do for me.

Final Score: The Meisters, back in form with 39 - Coalville 12

The good news…. Louis scored the missing try from 94-00 victory against 'D…' - reference last match report.

The bad news ….. Where do I start?.... GASH, There's a word for it.

Maurice Flitcroft - there's another. Flitcroft is known for the 2nd Worst Sporting Debut in World History. The 46 year old fatso from Barrow-in-Furness applied to play in the 1976 British Golf Open based on the fact that he had some clubs, despite a) he didn't have a handicap b) had only been playing for less than a year c) had never completed 18 holes. Imagine Sand Lyle's surprise that his partner in the qualifying round not only took 232 strokes to finish, but the whole day way ruined as he took 6 hours to complete the course. Apparently, he put "Professional" on the application form because he was a "Professional Crane Driver".

What's the Worst? I hear you cry...Bear with me for a minute...

The Meisters... no wait we don't deserve that moniker.... Derby 4th Team made their way up the hill to Melbourne for a friendly, riding on the success of the recent batch of slayings. What they received was a lesson of their own.

Missing Louis, Sheriff, JB, Graham and Scot but with enough experience to count through Billy, Davy, Cavy, Cormack & Richards.

However, Booya marked his Career Debut as Scrumhalf in a way that would've made Maurice Flitcroft proud….

Melbourne started with a force 10 gale wind in their backs and very quickly made use of the advantage. Two very easy tries in as many minutes before the 4th's had even warmed up. The forwards very sluggish is response to some aggressive ball chasing from Melbourne.

Then came the scrums, oh what joy. Maurice was on the receiving end of the most brutal sackings since Henry II said "will anyone rid me of this turbulent scrum half"

The 1st half was spent entirely in our own 22… A wake up call, we thought, before we get stuck in? Nope, this continued for the 1st 40 minutes with the 4th's barely get past the halfway line. A few more tries went through from our futile defence.

The backs squandering what few chances they had, defensively they were woefully inadequate with overlap after overlap appearing. Dawes in particular had a mare knocking on a good chance of a break and getting spectacularly upended by the grinning Melbourne winger.

Kicking was a nightmare in the blustery gale - Dave found a decent restart kick blown back behind the 10m for a frustrating scrum and in the second half the opposite occurred with balls blowing straight out to touch.

Well at least the 2nd half we'd have the wind in our backs…  Cormack gave the best half time talk I'd heard.. "Forget the fancy stuff, get the basics right, where's your passion? You gutless losers" was the gist… This stirred some movement in the 2nd half with a sustained period in the Melbourne looked like the tide was turning… However more mistakes ensued, the advantage was squandered and Melbourne scored twice.

By this time Maurice had given the mantle to The Brain at number 8, Rob H at number 10 went off when his ankle was badly jumped on (potentially dislocated, hope it's OK Rob), Billy was unfairly punched but was so incensed that he was sin binned, Craig's knock-on effort on the wing was our only chance of scoring… all shape, order & hope was lost.

Derby IV's limped off like an old dog preparing to be put down. Final Score: Melbourne 41 - 00 Derby.

If the number of letters in 'DERBY UNIVERSITY' (15) were commensurate with the actual Number of Rugby Players in their team, they'd be called 'D...' (G I'Anson 2006, comedy genius). 

This match was essentially what William Webb Ellis and all the rest of the deviants in Rugby Public School had envisaged on that cold autumnal day in 1823 - The invention of 'Legalised Bullying' - Sixth Formers pushing 1st years over in the mud with a generous portion of malicious injury... and we loved EVERY MINUTE OF IT. 

'D...' turned up early and were seen doing their warm up exercise at 11.45am... They did the whole 1962's schoolboy-text-book-guide-to-warm-ups. All wavy arm swimming exercises and star jumps. Some of the 4ths were very impressed whilst chuffing on a fag behind the bike sheds. When the Meisters finally surfaced, Booya led an inspirational talk & thorough warm up - One thing we're not going to be accused of is complacency. This was a grudge match. 

Graham kicked off and the forwards started their rampage round the playground. The House Prefects were led by JB, Davy, Booya, Nelly & of Course Sheriff. (In fact Sheriff enjoyed his role so much he reminded me of Flashman, the notorious Bully from Tom Brown's Schooldays - he really put some effort into picking his victims).

Tries came thick and fast, 8 in the first half. Graham, picking the ball out of a ruck on D's 5m line, actually took the time to look for the right pass to Flashman - who did his duty for his House and flattened two freshers on his way over the line.  

Five minutes later, a scrum, again on the 5m, walked Mr Ball over the line and almost out of bounds - when Booya, mid scum, calmly knelt on one knee, solemnly placing his palm on the ball - like he was Knighting it. 

Sir Ball, at the next kick off, came into the possession of the Backs, with Louis 'I-cant-be-bothered-to-run-ooh-look-I've-just-scored-another-try' Gandolfo in at Number 10 and Wolverine on the Left Wing - Wolfy had a NIGHTMARE of a game, couldn't kick for toffee, kept dropping beautifully lofted floating balls and squandered what was a superbly timed pop from the experienced Dawes at Outside Centre (What? Hey! I write the report from my own special booze fuelled memories, OK?). 

JB & Nelly gets a special mention for the two runs of the match. The poor chap scraped off the floor with a spatula, who tried to tackle JB, must surely be still seeing studs. Nelly visibly enjoying his rampage as he took the ball straight through the pre-pubescent opposition. 

Louis did his best to restrict himself to only 3 tries, the dark horse of the match Jesus also scored 3 with seemingly no effort at all (so effortless in fact I can't remember how he scored any of them). Graham, Booya & Flashman got 2 a piece. Craig (run in on the overlap), Davy (fine burst through the defence) & Wolfy (almost dropped it over the line) got one each. Wolfy also kicked 1 and Rob H kicked 6 conversions. 

Rueben should have had a fine try, chasing down their full back, kicking it on and diving on Sir Ball over the whitewash, but Sir Ref deemed it disallowed and I won't have anybody casting aspersions on his eyesight. 

'D...' (The only Rugby Player for the Opposition) turned out to be the one and only 'Bloke-who-shagged-a-girl-with-no-arms' and continued his fetish for Limbs, proving to be a fine tackler of Ankles. 

Gary I' Anson came out of retirement in the second half and made no impression what-so-ever. (Now we know.....NOW WE KNOW).

Booya is now singing The Darkness on Karaoke after receiving a spectacular kick to the Gonads. Eye watering stuff that laid him out for 5 minutes.

Their Number 12 started to get a bit aggressive shoulder barging Jesus and getting sin binned for it. 

Favourite Moment of the Match - Flashman deciding there was 'gonna be a hangin', got the ball and actually (no word of a lie) actively searched for their number 12. Pointed at him, ran through a few players with the ball, and then flattened him. We all enjoyed that. 

Final Score.... Well there's a dispute, without Sir Brain (Again) our maths lessons were cancelled - the talk after the match was 94-00, but Scotty added it up to 89-00... unless we're missing a try scorer. 

So if anyone would like to own up to it, please do so now or stay behind after school for detention.

No.
No.
No.
No, of course not don't be stupid…

And that answers the four questions at the end of the last match report against Ilkeston 3rd's. Pretty much summing up the Meister's visit to The Ripley Rhinos… Negative.

The day started with what must be the longest warm up a team have ever had, a 5 mile hike (250yds) from the changing rooms (School Girl's Toilets) through uninhabitable terrain (Ripley) to the pitch (grassy parkland area with newly laid dog turds) - Well it is Ripley.

With Skip Smithy struggling with availability, not having enough Jumpers in the lineout (Nelly offered, but JB had only just come back from a Hernia Op). Banksy valiantly stepped in at No 10. Would this moment be a Gordon Brown or Gordon Lamont? The first half was scrappy with The Ripley Winoes proving to be more mouth than substance, but they still managed to score two tries and a conversions through some Lamontable defending.

Big Rob burst through the Ripley defence to get one back and Braddow scored a well deserved try deep in the second half, but the spirit had gone by then.  Ripley added a penalty and a try in the second half.

The forwards lacked any of their spark and didn't fight for the ball. The 3 Man Lineouts were successful but repetitive…so it was no surprise when Ripley scored against our 2 man lineout, on our 5 metre line - questionable tactics.

The Back's were more adept at going backwards than gaining any ground. The fire & passion conveyed by the Captain's pre-match speech at Belper was a distant memory, so was the 'Sexy Rugby' against Ilkeston. If this was Sexy Rugby, then the Meisters were dropping their chips in a pub car park after a night out in Ripley, whilst being taken roughly from behind.

The Man of The Match was Mick Armstrong  - who's bar had just opened in London and that's where most of the Meisters were off to after the match.

It seemed our minds had caught an earlier train.

Jimbo Smith, the Seminal Stand-in Skipper, was leading the reins of the Feisty Meisters for the 2nd week in a row against a last minute opposition of Ilkeston 3rd's

(Eager Jagers or Feisty Meisters?..No matter, what a lovely drink it is, I thoroughly recommend The Jagermeister Red Bull..tastes just like Dandelion & Burdock...)   (Leesbrook having heard about the Jorrocks sponsorship and cried off…Now, don't get me started on Jorrocks, the Best Bar in Derby….)

Ev